Libby
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Post by Libby on Apr 14, 2008 12:20:57 GMT -5
Snatching her hand back as if she’d been burned when he jerked away, Libby returned her hands to her lap and pushed away the feeling of hurt. This wasn’t about her.
For a moment, she expected him to lie to her, to try to play it all off as some minor annoyance. Thankfully, though, he didn’t, and despite the tragedy of his story, she felt a swell of happiness within her that he was confiding in her.
So that was how it was. His brother had stolen from him, betrayed him, gotten himself cleaned up and now he was feeling guilty for leaving his little brother behind. It was good that someone was finally trying to help Charlie, but Libby couldn’t help but feel resentment toward Liam as her friend spoke. If he was going to go clean himself up, why hadn’t he convinced Charlie to go with him and do the same back then?
The reason soon became obvious as she took the picture that Charlie handed her. In spite of everything, she smiled at the image of the little girl. She was adorable, that was unmistakeable.
“Sometimes lies aren’t always harmful,” she said quietly. “Sometimes they can be for the best. But if you get the help first, when you see her you won’t have to lie.”
But if he did go get the help, that would mean he was leaving. Going to... Australia. An unconscious shiver went down Libby’s spine as she remembered what had happened to her there. That place was hell, she didn’t want him going there. She didn’t want him leaving her and going there where... where he might still be. But he had been at the airport, and could be anywhere now.
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Charlie Pace
administration.
I calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow yeah. Just to prove I knew how, yeah.
Posts: 196
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Post by Charlie Pace on Apr 14, 2008 12:46:12 GMT -5
Lies. Charlie couldn't remember the last time he had told the truth. Except now. Charlie had lied so much to Liam, to Karen that it felt like his new language. The language of white lies. They always said they didn't hurt anyone, but Charlie was sure that Liam shed more than one tear at the thought of his baby brother.
Charlie took the picture back, running a finger across the girl's photographed hair. "Lies always hurt people in the end. You're talking to the guy who's lied more than a bloody rug." Charlie gave her a half smirk, though it didn't hold any happiness in it.
Charlie looked at Libby, wishing that partly, she wasn't here. She didn't need to see this. She didn't need to see how deep he could wallow. How pathetic he could become. Charlie set the picture on the table by the couch. "I have dreams that...that I could swear are so real I can touch everything in them. I have a wife and I have a son and--" Charlie felt the tears squeeze their way out of his eye. "A-and there's an ocean. And I'm happy. I know that more than anything else; I'm happy. And I know that if I just...let go, I can have it. If I just let go of everything and just say 'Fine, take me. Do whatever you need to do but make me who I was before all of this', if I just say that I know I can get there." Charlie brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. "I know I can be happy."
"But in the end...I'm scared. I can't do it because I'm terrified. It's all I have left anymore. I don't know if I can leave it behind and just walk away."
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Libby
new oceanic 815.
Take time to realise that I am on your side
Posts: 92
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Post by Libby on Apr 14, 2008 14:43:01 GMT -5
What was she doing, telling him to lie? Just because the lies made her own life bearable didn’t mean that everyone was the same. But how could her own lies hurt anyone? The only one that could be hurt was she herself if people, like Charlie, found out the truth about her past. She couldn’t handle having him look at her like they all had.
Seeing the tears begin to fall, Libby turned her eyes away, offering him what little privacy she could in such close proximity. She could feel her own tears start to well up in her eyes as she listened to his dream, his story. He was dreaming of his brother’s life, a life that could be his if he took the offer of help. It made Libby want him to take it. Happy. She wanted him to be happy. He deserved to be happy. He wasn’t just this mindless, egotistical rock star that everyone thought he was. There was something more to him, so much more.
“We’re all scared,” Libby said softly. She knew all about fear, but she was moving on. Her lies allowed her to move on while his prevented it. “But you’re not alone. This... habit... this life, it’s not all you have. You have family who care.”
Hesitantly, she shifted closer to him on the couch. Leaning into him, she wrapped an arm comfortingly around his shoulder. She didn’t know if he would accept the comfort since he had brushed it off earlier, but she had to try. He needed a physical reminder that he wasn’t alone. “And friends.”
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Charlie Pace
administration.
I calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow yeah. Just to prove I knew how, yeah.
Posts: 196
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Post by Charlie Pace on Apr 14, 2008 15:03:17 GMT -5
Charlie wanted to wrench away. He wanted to tell her to leave, that he'd have to live and die in the hole that he had dug for himself. But as he felt her arm slide around his shoulders, he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the onslaught of tears pressing and burning their way forward, until they were released in a pent-up sob that shook his entire body.
He cried into Libby's shoulder for all the times he had hurt Liam, all the times he had hurt Lucy, cried for all the times he had screamed and shouted at no one, pretending that it was his brother, or the demon inside of him. He cried for all the times he told his brother he wished that he had died, and he cried for all the times his brother had agreed with him.
Soon, the tears were slowing, because it took too much energy to cry. Charlie didn't have much energy to do anything except lay around. Charlie took in a breath as his head was in the crook of her neck, and she didn't smell like all the other girls. She didn't smell like too much perfume and alcohol. She didn't smell like sweat and sex and Chanel No. 5...she smelled like roses and happiness and truth. Something that Charlie hadn't had near him in such a long time.
Tears slipped out of his eyes, though not as heavy as before, and Charlie sniffed in, looking towards the window. He continued to hold onto her like a lifeline, his hand shaking slightly as he blinked red-rimmed eyes. "Thank you," Charlie said, voice thick with unshead tears. "For bein' here...even when I didn't want you to be."
Charlie fell silent once again, leaning his head on Libby's shoulder until he spoke once more. "I told you my lie," he told her, "Tell me one of yours."
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Libby
new oceanic 815.
Take time to realise that I am on your side
Posts: 92
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Post by Libby on Apr 14, 2008 20:07:32 GMT -5
Sliding her arm around him, Libby prepared herself for the onslaught if he didn’t accept, but she found herself unprepared for the emotion when he did. With the most heart wrenching sob, Charlie buried his face into her shoulder and she wrapped her other arm around him as well, holding him tight. She said nothing; this wasn’t the time for words. He needed this, to let it all out, and she needed to be there for him.
Closing her eyes tightly, she felt her own tears running hot down her cheeks as she cried silently with him. He had been through so much, and was going through so much. This life he was leading, the stereotypical rock star life... it just wasn’t him. She didn’t know how she knew it, but it wasn’t who he was. This wasn’t a life he would have chosen for himself, but one that was thrust upon him. She had met junkies before, and most of them she cared never to see again, but Charlie... as much as she’d rather avoid any dealings with drugs and the people that did them, she couldn’t avoid him. Somehow he had wormed his way into her heart and she didn’t even want to imagine a day without him. Who would she talk to? Who would give her frivolous compliments and make her smile? Who would look at her like she was... like she was normal? Like she was important? Like a friend?
When Charlie eventually quieted down, Libby quickly reached up to wipe away her own tears with one hand, keeping her other arm around him until he chose to pull away. Returning her hand to his back, she rubbed it gently, soothingly. When he finally spoke, the emotion in his voice made her made her have to swallow her own down before even attempting to reply.
“What are friends for?” she replied. It may have been a cliché, but she said it so genuinely. It was his next words, though, that made her grateful that he wasn’t looking at her. He wanted to know one of her lies. He had just poured his soul out to her and wanted something in kind. It was understandable, of course; fair, even. But she couldn’t. It was the past, something she didn’t even want to think about. It wasn’t who she was, really. Maybe it wasn’t even real. She could have dreamed the whole thing. She wasn’t crazy. It had been a misunderstanding. Too much grief, too much pressure. Too much pain and suspicion. It was the stress. They had all driven her to it. It hadn’t been her fault. It wasn’t true. He didn’t need to know. Didn’t need to know because it wasn’t who she was either. This was her. This was true. This was all he needed to know.
“Well, uh...” she started, pausing to clear her throat which had become strained due to her own outpouring for him. “The thing is that I’m not actually a... blonde.”
She had paused for effect and finished with a smile, before giving his shoulder and extra squeeze. It never hurt to lighten the mood, especially if it took some of the heat off of her.
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Charlie Pace
administration.
I calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow yeah. Just to prove I knew how, yeah.
Posts: 196
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Post by Charlie Pace on Apr 15, 2008 3:26:17 GMT -5
Charlie laughed though it hurt to laugh, sniffing in with a sad smile. Of course she wasn’t a real blonde, Charlie thought to himself. She was smart. He looked over at her with a slight smirk, until he felt something cold and wet slide down his nostril and off his upper lip. Bringing a hand up, he pressed it against the wetness and pulled his fingers back to see bring red blood. “Aw, shit.” He whispered, and reached over, grabbing a handful of tissues. The bleeding was minor, but as he pressed the wad up to his nose and glanced over at Libby, he saw her eyes widened slightly. “Don’t worry, love.” He told her through his wad of tissues, making his voice sound muffled. “It’s just, uh…it’s just really dry in Los Angeles.” The truth was that if a doctor were to take a look at the inside of Charlie’s nose, he’d probably have a hole as large as Ireland in his sinuses.
He pulled back, seeing that the bleeding had stopped. He tried to wipe the blood clean from his nose, and managed to. He knew the lie that he had told her, about the dryness of Los Angeles, he knew that in the end it wouldn’t go over with her. She knew the truth.
And the truth was that his body, even in the short amount of time (an couple hours, really, at best, Charlie told himself) that Libby had been there, his body craved more of that feeling. The craved the feeling of the drugs rushing into his brain, it seemed, when he bent down and sniffed in. Or how when he shot up, every single inch of him was spread with the warmth and safety of heroin. Libby. Libby was so good to him and yet she didn’t understand. Or maybe there was some secret in her past, and she completely understood. Nevertheless, the hand that held Libby’s shook as he looked to the window again. Off in the distance, he heard his cell phone ring once more, but he made no move to answer it, merely blinking in response.
“I have a gig soon.” Charlie said, breaking the silence. If he really was going to go through with it, sobriety and freedom from drugs (which Charlie sadly knew would come right before the next Ice Age and right after pigs took to the skies) he’d have to cancel all of his gigs. At least until the withdrawals were over with. Shaking hands did not a musical tone make. “At some club called Smashed. It’s quiet, small…I really wish you would come.” He looked over at her. “Please. Say you’ll come. It’d mean the world to me. A-and you don’t even have to stand out in the crowd, you can stand on the side of the, you know, stage. All VIP like. It’ll be grand; say you’ll be there.”
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Libby
new oceanic 815.
Take time to realise that I am on your side
Posts: 92
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Post by Libby on Apr 15, 2008 18:40:32 GMT -5
When Charlie laughed, Libby was both relieved and happy. It was enough to stop that line of questioning and keep her secrets safe, but maybe even better she had made him laugh. Plain, boring old Libby had made Charlie Pace, ‘Rock God’, laugh. She had let him cry and made him laugh. It was the most satisfying feeling she had felt in a long time.
Sadly, though, that feeling couldn’t last. Seeing the blood running from his nose, she felt fear, disgust, and disbelief when he tried to explain it off. Disbelief and disappointment, even though she knew it wasn’t fair to expect him to continue to be honest with her when she refused to do the same. He had pulled back but he still held her hand, and she dropped her eyes to their entwined fingers while he cleaned up. This was the part where she was supposed to step up and tell him that his brother was right, that he needed help. This was where she was supposed to break out the statistics and tell him the horror stories. This was the perfect time to tell him just how horrible his death was going to be if he kept on the path he was on. She knew all this. She knew it, yet she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. The fact of the matter was that she liked being his friend. She liked that he would talk to her and that he had opened up to her. She didn’t want to become just another voice on the phone that he would yell at and refuse to see. She didn’t want to lose him.
Feeling his hand trembling in her own she swallowed hard. She knew what she had to do.
“Charlie...” she began softly, but her voice was lost as he had chosen that same moment to speak. He wanted her to come to his show tonight. He wanted her there, really wanted her there. He was making allowances for her, giving her special privileges if it meant her attendance. He was practically begging her. How could she refuse after all this? Maybe that’s what she could do to help. She could be there to support him and keep him out of trouble. She didn’t have to say anything, she could just be there for him.
It wouldn’t be so bad. She didn’t have to get jostled around in the crowds of drunk, high, sweaty, smelly people that made her not know whether to scream or throw up. She didn’t have to be near them and their dilated eyes and their grabby hands and horrible breath. She could stand where it was safe. And the music... maybe it wouldn’t be so bad since it was him. Or she could wear earplugs. She would still hear the music through them, but they would dull it enough that she could still hear herself think. She could do this. It as what normal people did. She was normal. She could do this.
“I’ll... I’ll try to make it, ok? No promises, but I’ll try,” she eventually said with a weak smile. It was the best she could do on such short notice. She needed time to talk herself into it.
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Charlie Pace
administration.
I calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow yeah. Just to prove I knew how, yeah.
Posts: 196
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Post by Charlie Pace on Apr 17, 2008 12:01:11 GMT -5
He thought she was going to say no. He waited for the put down, waited for the two little letters that Charlie was sure to come. And when she said his name, in a sigh, Charlie's lips slowly spread into a frown, his head tilting slightly. But then, he heard her say she'd try to make it, and Charlie instantly brightened. "Smashing!" Charlie said with a smile. "That's wonderful--you'll--you'll love it, I promise. I mean, it's nothin' like DriveShaft's concerts but I think I do pretty well."
Charlie released Libby's hand. "Okay, I really do have to go to the bathroom. Be back." he told her, and moved off into the bedroom, picking up the phone as he went. He flipped it open as he shut the bathroom door behind him.
TWO MISSED CALLS.
He sighed, bringing the phone up to his ear as he peed, listening to the voice mail.
Charlie-boy, it's me. Look, man, I understand what you're goin' through. I know it's hard, but--
Charlie clicked the phone shut angrily as he zipped himself up and flushed. The sodding bastard. Anger corsed through Charlie, and he looked at himself in the mirror. Happy. He needed to be happy for Libby. She didn't deserve to see him sad or angry anymore. He opened the drawer, looking at the small metal box. He opened it, and grabbed the small mirror and white packet. He needed to be happy.
He'd take Libby out to eat. For everything she had done for him, he had to repay her. Dinner. Dinner would be perfect. And he'd make sure that she could get it off; if he had to talk to that Nancy slag he would. He tapped out the line of white powder on the mirror, using the small card to cut it before he turned the water on. She couldn't hear him, it would only hurt her further. One more hit wouldn't kill him, would it? One more hit and he'd be done, he told himself.
One more hit and it would be over.
Charlie bent down, sniffing in harshly before bringing a hand up to press against the side of his nose. His eyes clenched tightly as he resisted the urge to groan loudly. The cocaine spread through his body quickly, and instantly, he felt better. Happy. Content.
He returned his supplies to the drawer and turned off the water, moving to check his nose before he exited the bathroom to meet Libby once again.
"We're going to eat! We're going and I will not take no for an answer."
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Libby
new oceanic 815.
Take time to realise that I am on your side
Posts: 92
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Post by Libby on Apr 17, 2008 14:12:22 GMT -5
The way his face instantly brightened, his excitement obvious, Libby knew that if the show was to start at this very moment that she couldn’t refuse, but it was a long time until the evening, and things could change. Things like her mind, which seemed to change at a moment’s notice. She didn’t even need a reason, didn’t need to sit and think, it just sometimes seemed to decide to change for her. And who was she to argue?
After Charlie had disappeared into the bathroom, Libby got to her feet, unconsciously smoothing out her uniform. She had to at least tidy up a little. Stepping out into the hallway for a moment, she held the door open with her foot as she took a cloth, gloves and cleaner from the cart outside. Slipping on the gloves, she sprayed the coffee table and let it sit momentarily while she straightened the sofa cushions where they had been sitting.
She did have that little purple shirt she had been drawn to for some reason but never gotten the chance to wear. Maybe a black skirt or some tight jeans, and she had those tall boots with the heels so pointy they could probably be classified as a weapon. She had the gear, but all those people...
No, you are not going to talk yourself out of this. Go, have fun! Act crazy! Bad choice of words...
Wiping off the table and trying to ignore the traces of powder the rag removed, she tried to keep from talking herself out of it. And if worse came to worse, she could always take her medication with. No, no medication. She hated the medication. It was for crazy people and she wasn’t crazy. She didn’t need it. If her doctor couldn’t tell she was off the meds then they were obviously useless.
Brushing her bangs out of her eyes with the back of her wrist, Libby looked up when Charlie re-entered the room. Her eyebrows shooting up, she fixed him with a look of surprise. This wasn’t right. She was supposed to come here each morning and they would talk and hang out and then she would leave just to do it all again the next day. They didn’t eat. They didn’t go out. It wasn’t who they were. In here, the world couldn’t touch them. The dirty, crazy, horrible world couldn’t ruin what they had. They were safe here.
“Eat? Oh, you know I can’t,” she replied, an apology in her eyes. “I still have the laundry to do and I need to finish out my shift. I can’t just leave.”
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Charlie Pace
administration.
I calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow yeah. Just to prove I knew how, yeah.
Posts: 196
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Post by Charlie Pace on Apr 17, 2008 14:40:41 GMT -5
"Oh no!" Charlie said quickly, moving to take her hand. "You gotta eat! You're hungry. I'm hungry! We should do what hungry people do and eat."
Why was she saying no? The cocaine made his thoughts race, and he shook his head. "Look, I'll tell your boss that, you know, you're cleaning extra hard in my room. Or that what I want, I get. I can pull the star-card if I want to." God knew he had pulled it before, but Liam had always been better at insisting and pulling the asshole card. He brought a hand up to wipe at his nose unconciously before he shook his head again. "It'll be grand, love. I promise."
She didn't want to go out. Why didn't she want to go out? What was wrong with going out and eating? "O-Or I'll order in. Room service. You do eat, right?" he asked her with a slight smile, however the smile faultered as he saw the look of apology in her eyes. "It'll be okay. I can tell her you're, like, doing extra for me or something."
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Libby
new oceanic 815.
Take time to realise that I am on your side
Posts: 92
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Post by Libby on Apr 17, 2008 15:51:36 GMT -5
Again, his excitement made her want to accept, but there was something different this time. A frantic desperation that she didn’t know how to deal with. She didn’t want him to take her hand; she was still wearing her rubber gloves and they were full of cleaner. She didn’t want him to pull strings for her although she was flattered he wanted to. She didn’t want the world to pull them into it and destroy them. They had something special here, just the two of them, but out there she was just some girl and he would easily be distracted, bored. Maybe if they stayed in...
...but then she saw it, that unconscious reflex as he wiped his nose. Her brow furrowing slightly, she looked into his eyes, easily recognizing that glazed look. How could she have been so stupid? He hadn’t needed to use the bathroom at all, he had just needed another fix. Part of her felt betrayed after how he had just opened up to her, even though she knew how hypocritical it made her. Part of her felt disappointed because she had thought they had had a breakthrough, and maybe she had helped him. All of her knew that she had been here long enough for today. There was only so much she could take.
“Yes, I do eat, Charlie, and I really do appreciate the offer, but I really can’t,” she said as soothingly and regretfully as she could. She still didn’t want to hurt him. “I need this job, and the other girls already hate me. I can’t let you pull any strings just for me.”
It was at least partially true. The other girls hated her and were afraid of her, and if she started getting special treatment then the job would become unbearable. She had lied about one thing, though: she didn’t need the job, at least not financially. She had enough money to sustain her, but having this job was all part of her rehabilitation. She had to prove she could act normal and hold down a job as a useful member of society. Some days she felt more like a criminal than a patient.
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Charlie Pace
administration.
I calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow yeah. Just to prove I knew how, yeah.
Posts: 196
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Post by Charlie Pace on Apr 18, 2008 14:25:27 GMT -5
Never having a job...never needing a job made Charlie not understand the importance of simply working. He hadn't worked a job for more than a day in his life, and he hadn't understood it. But Libby, she needed the job. Or she liked the job.
He saw her face drop, and instantly knew that she knew. His brows narrowed slightly and his teeth grit nervously. "Oh, uh, yeah," Charlie said with a nod before shrugging slightly. "I-I mean, I wouldn't want to get you fired or anythin'." He suddenly felt conflicted, torn between the happiness that the cocaine was spreading through his body, and the embarrisment and slight shame from the looks Libby was giving her. He tried to brighten slight. "Well, um," he scratched an itch behind his ear. "Y'know, if you can make it tonight, that'd be swell. If, uh...if not, that's okay too, I'll see you tomarrow."
Bastard. Stupid. Fucking. Bastard. She hates you now. She'll never see you again. You've gone and pushed away the one last person in the entire city that could help you. Save you. That's what you do, you're always pushing people away. Liam, Lucy, Libby, your mother...you're always alone and you'll never be anything to anyone but a junkie. Charlie clenched his eyes shut tightly for a moment to try to shut out the voice, the taunting voice inside of his head. He opened them to look at Libby with a frown.
"I will see you again, right?"
He was aware of how small his voice sounded, unsure and even self-hating.
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