Somewhere in my mind, I know why I cry... {Libby}

[Libby]

It was frightening sometimes just how similar she and Charlie were. He was the one person in the world who seemed to truly understand her, it was almost as if they’d lived parallel lives, lives of pain and self destruction, until fate brought them together, but for what purpose? Were they meant to save each other? If anyone could save her, it was him. He made her feel safe; he made her feel sane.

Where Charlie had failed in his attempt at suicide, stopping himself before he could go through with it, Libby had succeeded. For two minutes, they had said, her heart had stopped beating, but by some ‘miracle’ they had revived her. They had found her in time. First to the hospital they had taken her to flush the drugs from her system, then to Santa Rosa to introduce more. Days were weeks, weeks were months; time didn’t matter in there. She was aware of her surroundings but nothing had seemed real. The drug induced haze had numbed her senses, but at least they tempered the loss.

“I guess it wasn’t,” she agreed. It wasn’t Charlie’s time to go then, as it hadn’t been hers though not for lack of trying. And it turned out she could live without David. Maybe she hadn’t wanted to, but she had; she was. Still, she found herself in an eerily similar situation. When she had learned of Charlie’s overdose, she had considered another attempt, but had managed to stop herself.

The difference, though, was that Charlie was still alive. If she lost him...

“It’s okay,” she said, sniffling and wiping away her tears with one hand. With the other she curled her fingers through his hair. It was a comforting gesture, and she found it just as soothing for herself. “It’s nice to hear I’m not alone in the world.”

[Charlie Pace]

"You're not alone, love. As messed up as you think you are, there's another person that's just the same or maybe worse."

Charlie felt his eyes close at the feeling of her fingers through his hair. It was a peaceful feeling, one that could have lulled him into sleep. "You know, I miss it." he paused, sniffing in slightly as he shifted against her. "And it's strange, because even now, even after all of the pain and badness that I've put everyone through, I don't regret it."

Charlie wondered if that made him a bad person. "I don't know if I regret anything I did. Even the people that I hurt. And yet, I do at the same time. It was just so wonderful. The feeling--I can't even begin to describe to you what that feeling feels like. Take the best sex you've ever had and times it by a thousand and you still wouldn't get how it feels. It spreads to every inch of you, every single inch and just spreads a glow. Like your floating on a cloud." He sighed out, shaking his head slightly against her chest. "I don't know. I never thought there was happiness out there like that, even if it was synthetic."

[Libby]

Just the same. That was exactly how she felt. They were just the same. Was it possible for two severely screwed up wrongs to make a right? With Charlie she felt she had the strength to at least try.

The shed tears dried though her eyes were still damp, she watched him as best she could as he spoke. She had thought them so similar that it was almost strange to hear him speak of something that she had absolutely no understanding of. She herself had regrets even though there was nothing she could have ever done to change them, even at the time. And the feeling he spoke of, she had never felt anything even close. She had been happy in her life, even deliriously so at one time, but nothing so... pure? It was the worst possible word she could use to describe drugs, but with them there were no other worries to taint the happiness, nothing to diminish it. Pure happiness.

Too bad the cost was so great, a price she would never be willing to pay.

“Just because you don’t regret it does not mean you have to continue on that path,” Libby said, unsure of what else to say to that confession. “There are other happinesses out there, Charlie. Maybe nothing so complete, but they’re there. And sometimes, it’s the simple things that mean everything.”

[Charlie Pace]

"I know there's other happiness out there, Libs."

Of course Charlie did. He was listening to the sound of one's heartbeat right now. As Charlie's ear pressed against Libby's chest, he could hear the sound of her steady heartbeat. Thump. Thump. Thump. Unconsciously, his finger tapped softly against her flat stomach, in sync with the sound of her heart. "Heroin's the one girl that I can never forget how much I loved." he told Libby honestly. "It was the only thing I did for the longest time. It made me...happy." He looked up, resting his chin against her chest as he looked at her. "Now you make me happy. Happier than I could ever have been on the drugs." He placed his ear back down against her chest again, and continued the light tapping. "Just...just promise me somethin', Libs. I mean, this withdrawl right now, it's...it's killing me. It feels like my insides got ripped out of my body somehow that then shoved back in, all messed about." He took in a breath, and let it out slowly. "Just promise me that if...that if this ever ends, if I ever do something to--just promise me that it'll end okay. 'Cause I can't take any more pain. I really can't."

His finger stopped it's tapping, and Charlie fell silent for a moment against her, his finger lightly tracing a circle around her belly-button. "You know...this is the first time I've ever just...been with someone. I didn't have to worry about...all the hassles. It's the first time I've been in bed with someone and sex hasn't even crossed my mind. I just...love being with you. And we just happen to be in a bed right now." He paused, and then smiled lightly against her.

"But if you'd want to have sex at some point, I would totally be a willing and ready participant. Would not even have to ask me twice."

[Libby]

Gazing into Charlie’s eyes, Libby was struck by the honesty that gazed back. His words meant more than he could have ever known and soon all sadness was forgotten and she was smiling back at him so... lovingly was really the only words to describe it. David had made her happy, and she had been certain she would never feel that again. Now, with Charlie... he made her feel young, beautiful and intelligent, three things she hadn’t felt for years. He saw more than just her afflictions, and he didn’t love her in spite of them, but she felt he loved her partially because of them.

Closing her eyes and smiling contently as he laid his head back down on her chest, she continued to curl her fingers through his hair. “You make me happy too, Charlie, when I didn’t think anything ever would again,” she admitted softly. She wasn’t sure exactly what he was asking her to promise, but she didn’t want to let him down. So she promised him the only thing that she could do everything in her power to ensure. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I promise that whatever it is we’ll face it together. I will always be with you, Charlie.”

Shivering slightly as his finger moved so softly against her stomach again, she was taken aback by his next words. At first she felt upset, almost insulted, that she could be so undesirable in such an intimate position that the thought had even crossed his mind. She tried to remind herself that their connection was much deeper than that, and they had both been upset earlier so sex was probably the furthest thing from his mind, that it had nothing to do with her. Then he made the offer, and she was sure he’d notice her heart speeding up at the thought even though she knew he was joking. Even if he hadn’t thought about it, she had. She had thought about it a lot, actually, but kept telling herself that it would ruin everything. What they had was so special, and she was terrified that he’d start to see her as just one of his many girls.

Still, it was getting harder each moment to hide her desire.

“Thanks, I’ll have to remember that,” she laughed, hating that she sounded a bit nervous.

[Charlie Pace]

"Thanks. I'll have to remember that."

Charlie felt a sigh escape his lips, a slight smile spreading onto his lips as he moved up from her chest, over her silent for a moment as he watched her. Silently, he knew that he could simply kiss her and it'd lead to much more than just lying in the bed. However, he told himself that he couldn't do it. He didn't want to hurt her, for whatever silly reason he figured it would. He couldn't do that to her.

Charlie turned slightly, laying across her stomach as he reached for the duffle-bag that he had brought that was under the bed. "I've got--" he started, and grunted slightly as he stretched to reach the bag. A gasp air marked an accomplishment as he grabbed the dufflebag. Pulling it from under the bed, he unzipped it and pulled out the journal Libby had given him. "I wrote you something." he told her, laying back next to her with his head against the headboard. "Granted, it's not finished. Don't even have a tune or nothin'. But, you know...I figured out what I'm gonna call my new CD. Elizabeth." he told her honestly. "You know, it uh," he moved, scratching his forehead. "It was that or 'Roosevelt Maid That I Seriously Love That Used To Clean My Room When I Was Stoned'. But Elizabeth sounds classier."

He paused for a moment. "And, you know...even if no one buys it and it ends up in the two-dollar bin at Zia Records, I can still say that I wrote a song for you. And I don't write songs for just anyone, y'know."


--- The Broken clock is a comfort. It helps me sleep tonight. Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time. And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts; I am damaged at best like you've already figured out. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain there is healing; in your name I find meaning. So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm barely holding onto you.

Those broken locks were a warning that you got inside my head. I tried my best to be guarded but I'm a open book instead. And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes, that are looking for purpose, yeah they're still looking for life. I'm hanging on another day, just to see what you'll throw my way, and I'm hanging on to the words you say, you say ' Yeah. Yeah, you'll be okay. 'Cause you're holding on.' The broken light on the freeway left me here alone. I may have lost my way now, but I havn't forgotten my way home.

So I'm holding on. I'm barely holding onto you. --

[Libby]

When Charlie raised his head and moved his face close to hers, Libby thought that he had been serious, that he had felt her heart beat faster and knew that she wanted him; that he’d taken that as a yes. All it would take right now was a kiss, a single kiss and she would give into him completely. He already held her heart and understood her twisted mind; all she had left to give him was her body, and she would. Willingly.

But then he was moving away. Sucking in a breath as his weight pressed across her belly, she closed her eyes, trying to get a hold of herself. It wasn’t like that for them. There connection was something so much more than physical. What they had now was perfect, and how could anyone improve on perfection? Was it really worth the risk?

Swallowing the lump in her throat as Charlie returned triumphantly to her side. Rolling over to face him, Libby propped her head up in her hand, a brilliant smile coming unbidden to her lips as he spoke of the name of his CD. It warmed her heart to see that he was using the gift she had given him, but that was nothing compared to the beautiful words that were soon displayed before her. Her eyes moved over the page slowly, memorizing each curve of his writing. The song was tragic, heartbreaking and utterly beautiful.

“It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever read,” she finally said, her voice choked with emotion. “You wrote this for me?”

((Sorry it's so awkward. I should have gone to sleep hours ago))