Outside your door [Libby]

[Charlie Pace]

"Libby! Libby, love--"

It was almost as if she wasn't even there but...but Libby was always there! Libby had been there in the mornings when he had came by, and even in the middle of the night, but...but now she wasn't there?!

"Elizabeth! Open--Open the door love, c'mon...please, please open the door--"

Tears burned at his eyes as he rapped quickly on the door with his knuckles. They slid down his face, one first, and then quicker and quicker until his knocks became frustrated pounds. His hands shook, head pounded, and he was sure he was going to be sick again. It was nerves, he had told himself. Withdrawing wasn't an easy process on himself and...and his nerves...

It was all because of that stupid sod, Charlie thought. Liam. Bloody stupid Liam. Charlie leaned against the door, his back pressed up against it as felt himself slide down to sitting. This...this was horrible and where the bloody HELL was Libby!?

"Sir? Sir, can I help you?"

"Have you see Libby?"

"Who?"

"Libby! Libby!" Charlie exclaimed, frustrated that no one seemed to know who he was talking about. "E-Elizabeth. Tall. Blonde. Beautiful--WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?!"

If Libby didn't show, then he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself anymore. He wouldn't be able to fight the feeling, and soon, he'd be just like his brother. Or he'd be dead. Both options didn't sound so bad at the moment.

Charlie brought his knees up, wrapping his arms around them as he cried. God, what he wouldn't give for a hit. A hypocritical bump, that was all he needed, and he hated himself for it.

[Libby]

Charlie had been to her apartment many times, and Libby had become used to his impromptu visits. Normally he would show up ranting that he needed time away from his family because they just kept hovering and it was driving him nuts, or excitingly chattering about some new adventure that they had to take. But this... this complete devastation she was not prepared for as she came within earshot of her home upon returning from her work out. Her steps slowing for a moment, she wiped her brow and listened but was met with only silence.

Turning the corner cautiously, her eyes first fell upon her confused and frightened neighbour before shifting down to Charlie huddled at her door. Any concern she might have had about how this looked for her, and about it getting back to her doctor quickly melted as she heard his muffled sobs and she rushed to his side.

“I’m here, Charlie. I’m right here,” Libby said softly, her voice catching slightly with emotion. Crouching down beside him, she laid one hand on his arm, the other moving up to brush through his hair. In her heart, along with the concern there was fear. She didn’t want to think it, didn’t want to believe it, but she couldn’t help the first thought that ran through her head.

He’s using again.

[Charlie Pace]

All he wanted was one more hit. Just one. Anything. Speed, Coke, Heroin, pills, alcohol, anything. Anything to dull the pain. Maybe he wasn't ready to be clean, maybe he was destined for a few more relapses before it happened. Before he either got completely sober or died. He clenched his eyes shut tightly, telling himself that he'd get one more. One more and maybe he'd die, and then Liam would have to deal with it for the rest of his life. That would teach that stupid sod.

However, he jerked violently as he felt a hand on his arm, and one of his hair. His eyes widened as his head snapped up, and through the tears, he saw Libby. Oh god. Oh god, she was here...

He almost lashed out, grabbing her as he wrapped his arms around her neck tightly, burying his face in her shoulder. "I-It all happened so fast, first--first I saw my--my MUM! She--she was there and then she told me I had to wake up, I had to help Li and then I woke up and itjust--just happened and l-last night, last night I was puking into the toliet and Karen was the only one there and--and I can't lose her! I can't lose her because she's the best thing, the only thing that's good because she's so small and he's a fucking BASTARD and I want to KILL him!"

The words were strung together, a whurlwind of words and stutters and sobs and tones to which Charlie wasn't even sure were making sense. He pulled away, grabbing her face in his hands. "Just one more. Just--Just one more, I need to forget it. I-I can't stand it, it hurts so much and--and my HEAD it wont stop racing! Racing, racing RACING it's going a THOUSAND miles an hour and I can't even BREATHE let alone think and---and--" he felt his stomach shift, twisting and turning, and he clamped a hand over his mouth as he jolted up, past Libby and to the trashcan at the end of the hall. Wretching the metal cover off, he felt himself heave, what little he had eaten for breakfast come up and into the trashcan.

Maybe he was just like Liam. Maybe all he was, was a fucked up Junkie with a crazy best friend and a horrible family-life. Maybe he was a hopeless cause and it was all in vain. He had finally stopped heaving, leaving him gasping for breath over the trash can. He didn't care if the neighbours called the police anymore.

[Libby]

When Charlie’s head suddenly jerked up, eyes wide, Libby almost jumped away but somehow she managed to hold firm. Then his arms were around her so tightly it almost hurt, and the words were just spilling out of him and they did hurt. He was rambling on, not making any sense even if she could hear them all through his sobs. Her neck hurt from where his arms were around her, and her heart hurt just listening to him.

So he’d dreamt about his mother, and he had been sick and Karen had taken care of him while Liam and Megan had been out somewhere? The only ‘he’ she could think of that he could be referring to was Liam, but she couldn’t quite grasp what had set him off. It had to be the drugs. God, she couldn’t believe he was doing this to himself all over again. He had been doing so well, and now...

Startled when he suddenly pulled away, Libby’s eyes went wide when Charlie grabbed her face in his hands instead. He was so worked up he didn’t realise he was hurting her, didn’t notice that spark of fear in her eyes. He was scaring her more than anything had in a long time and she felt at a complete loss of what to do. All she could do was sit there, trying to understand. She couldn’t open her mouth, couldn’t speak. He was so strung out he was pretty much begging for another hit... or was he strung out at all? Was this just another symptom of the withdrawals, were they becoming too much to bear? As much as it killed her to see him like this, she hoped that was the case. If he had to start all over again... was any one of them strong enough for that?

His hands no longer holding her, Libby lowered her head, trying desperately to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. She could almost feel the red impressions left on her skin from his hands but they would fade quickly. The pain in her heart, though, would not. Charlie was the best thing that had ever happened to her, the only good thing in her life. He was her best friend, probably the only person in the world that even had a chance of understanding her, he didn’t judge her and God she loved him. To see him in so much pain was killing her. When he was hurting, so was she. But she couldn’t fall apart now. He needed her. He needed her to be strong for him, to be his strength. He needed her and she wasn’t going to let him down.

“Charlie, let’s go inside and talk, alright? I’ll make us some tea and we can sit down and just talk about everything,” she struggled to get out, pulling herself to her feet. Her legs felt like jelly as she tried to unlock her door.

[Charlie Pace]

Her voice peirced the silence, marked only by his heavy breathing. His stomach shifted again as he looked at her, face twisted into a sob, and he knew somewhere in the back of his mind, that this was the reason why he loved her. He watched as he opened the door, and he followed after her, wiping at his eyes which were still stinging with fresh tears. Why couldn't he stop? Emotions. Emotions sucked, Charlie thought. Speshally drug-withdrawled emotions. He'd probably even be such a girl to say he cried at a soap commercial, that's how bad it was, but bad analogies aside, he knew it was true. He shouldn't have been THIS upset, but he was. He was completely and utterly devestated, almost to the point of doing something horrible...but the one person that could fix it, she was standing right in front of him.

Charlie moved, faster that he could even think or stop himself, and he moved, pressing a hand against her cheek, and kissed Libby. Happiness. He needed happiness and he needed something to show his brother, show HIMSELF that it didn't matter because...because even though his world was quickly going to hell, he was happy. However, the happy feeling as he kissed her only stayed for a second, and then the tears came once again.

"Marry me." He knew he didn't mean it, but it came out anyway. "Just--Just marry me, we can--we can go somewhere and--and just live. We--we'll be away from everything a-and you don't even have to marry me but please--please don't leave me, too. Everyone's up and gone away and I'm looking around and I can't find anyone that I used to call my own. And I know I've pushed everyone away and I'm sorry but--but I can't do it anymore! I can't do this anymore, I can't live like this anymore. It's--it's so hard to live like this."

He knew she'd never leave because they needed each other. And he knew he didn't want to marry her, because it'd ruin everything. Liam and Karen, they had gotten married and sure they were happy for a while, but it was all going to shit so quickly. Everything was spiraling out of control and Charlie was trying vainly to hold onto anything, to anyone...and he could feel himself slipping with every passing moment.

"I just--" he moved, pressing his forehead against hers as the tears slipped down his cheeks. "I just want it to stop. I need a hit, just one. Just one to make it stop. I can't feel like this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am, I'm nothing. I'm no one and I just...I just need another hit to make the chaos stop."

[Libby]

Her hands shook slightly as she unlocked the door and, stepping inside, she held her breath as Charlie followed her in. Closing the door behind them, she tried to collect herself before turning to face him and the next thing she knew his hand was on her face, his lips pressed to hers, and she could do nothing but stand there in shock as he kissed her. This was not a gentle peck like he had given her on New Years, this kiss was filled with pain and desperation. As much as she tried to deny it to herself she had dreamt about a moment like this many times, but now that it was happening it didn’t feel like she had imagined; he tasted bitter. This was not how she wanted this, not when he was so strung out and upset. It was like a knife through her heart. She had promised herself she would never be just another one of his girls. What they had was far too special and she wasn’t willing to risk it, even for the possibility of something more... or she hadn’t been.

His words only drove the knife deeper. Closing her eyes tightly as he pulled back, Libby couldn’t stop the few tears that broke free and trailed silently down her cheeks. This was so wrong. He was just using her, using her like he used all the others. Using her to forget his pain, using her because of the drugs, because she was the most convenient option on such short notice. For the briefest moment she hated him, but she couldn’t hold on to that hate; it had to be redirected because despite everything, even though she knew he didn’t mean the proposal there was a part of her that would have accepted it in an instant. For that she had to hate herself. Why was he doing this to her? He was ruining everything! Her heart wasn’t supposed to pound like this for him. He was destroying it all. It wasn’t right. Why was he doing this? What they had was perfect and he was changing everything. He was still so close she could almost smell his tears.

Then he said the words that made her question everything. Just one. He wanted just one hit.

He wasn’t using again.

It was the withdrawals. He wasn’t using. He wasn’t strung out, he was still clean, and for that moment she was able to push her feelings aside and focus on just that. He was still clean but so close to falling and he needed her to help him. No matter how she felt about him for what he had just done to her she couldn’t turn her back on him, not now.

“I’ll never leave you, Charlie. You can always call me your own, and I’m not going anywhere,” she struggled to speak, her voice shaking and emotional. “You can do this. You’re not nothing. How... how can you be nothing when you’re... when you’re everything to someone?”

[Charlie Pace]

Sex. Sex always made everyone feel better because for that ten or fifteen minutes, there was nothing but neurons firing and friction and sweat and everything that Charlie needed but couldn't have. Didn't want to have. Not with her. And yet, if he couldn't get the drugs, what else could he do? And then Libby spoke. He wasn't nothing. He wasn't useless and he wasn't a no one and yet, he felt like everything and more. Dogshit under someone's boot. The lowest of low.

But she didn't see him like that. How could she see something that he couldnt' even see himself. A frustrated sigh esecaped his lips, and he clenched his eyes shut for a moment. "I can't do this anymore." he whispered sadly. "A-and I don't want to leave you but...but I can't do this anymore, Libby. It hurts. It hurts so much to just walk around pretending like everything is okay when really--really, it's not. I just want to have a night where I can go to sleep and wake up and have everything be fine. I want my family to be happy again. They were happy before I came back! It's my fault that they're like this; Karen's going to take Megan away and I'll never get to see her face again, and Liam's going to fuck everything up like he always does but for a while---for a while he was FINE and it's all my fault!"

Charlie turned from her, bringing his hands up to press against his eyes. "I don't even know how I got to this point! How did I get here?! It--it's like, 4 years ago I was--I was fine! And now look at me! I want to go back. I want to just close my eyes to four years ago and go back to the start."

And she would hate him if he did it. If he left. He couldn't leave her sad, he knew he couldn't. "I can't lie anymore. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of not remembering what's important because all I remember is the horrible shit I've done. I'm tired of it and I just want it to stop."

[Libby]

He didn’t get it, she knew he didn’t get it. He wasn’t nothing; he was everything. He was everything to her and without him she was nothing. To everyone else she was just the crazy woman that everyone made fun of or ignored, but to him she was actually somebody. He saw who she really was and he still cared about her despite it. Without him... she couldn’t bare to think about her life without him now. There wouldn’t be one.

Holding her hand to her chest when he turned away, Libby felt her heart pounding. With her other hand she wiped away her tears. She had to focus on what he was saying. What was he talking about? His family was falling apart and he was blaming it all on himself, or at least he thought they were going to fall apart. Was this just the withdrawals talking again, or had something happened? Something had to have set him off to put him in such a desperate state, but she didn’t want to push. She just needed him to know she was there to listen if he needed to talk. She was always there.

Walking up behind him, she wrapped her arms around Charlie’s chest and turned her head to the side, laying her cheek against his back.

“I wish I could take all the pain away, that I could tell you it will be better in the morning, but I can’t. It will get better though, Charlie. But if you stop now it will just be harder next time. You can do this, I believe in you,” she said soothingly, closing her eyes. “Maybe you just need a change of scenery. We could go somewhere, anywhere you want. Or maybe... you can stay here. Sometimes family just need time apart.”

She didn’t even know what she was saying. She knew there was nothing she could say to make any of it better, but she had to say something.

[Charlie Pace]

He knew she was right. He knew that if he took even one hit right now, he'd be just like Liam. Strung out and with no one to turn to. Her arms wrapped around his chest, and he brought a hand up to lay against hers. "I really just want to go home. Back to Manchester, but..." he shook his head slightly, leaning back against her shoulder, his eyes looking at the celing. "I can't do it. If I go back to Manchester all of the people I knew before and during everything will come back out of the woodwork. And they'll all look at me, whether it be with pity or with disdain. And I pity myself enough as it is, not to mention the amount of distain."

He took in a breath, listening to the silence of the room before he opened his mouth to speak. "I think Karen's leaving. And I know it's all my fault. I even told Liam if I had just died it would all be alright. They'd still be living in Australia and everything would have been fine. They would have been happy." It was all his fault and he was powerless to make it right again. "Maybe I should just go back to Manchester. Hole up in my father's house, try to get clean. Not talk to Liam again, that'd be a start, but...but I'd miss Karen and Mae so much. It's not their fault we're two giant fuck ups. They didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve this."

[Libby]

While he talked Libby just held him, her breathing calm and even as she listened. She had seen him in bad shape before, but she had never heard him sounding so... lost. He couldn’t stay here, he couldn’t go home, and the people that were supposed to be his foundation, who were supposed to be helping him through this were suddenly making it so much worse. She wasn’t sure what Liam had done, but she was of half a mind to march over there and confront him with the fact that he was, once again, destroying his little brother.

God, she hated what this was doing to him, but more than anything she hated to hear him say that things would be better if he was dead. Did he even know what he meant to her? Did he even know that if he had died, then she would have too. If she had lost him she wouldn’t have stopped the knife.

“Don’t say that,” Libby replied forcefully, leaning back. Pulling her arms from around him she grabbed Charlie’s arm and turned him to face her. “Don’t you ever say that anything would have been better if you’d...”

She couldn’t say it. Bringing her hands up, she cupped his face, looking him directly in the eyes, her face full of emotion. “Life is nothing without you, don’t you see?” Well, her life at least. “And no matter what happens they’re still your family. Don’t you ever think that they would have been happy without you. Ever, you hear me?”

[Charlie Pace]

Fingers pressed and pulled his face, forcing him to look at her. He didn't want to, because deep down, he knew she was right. Being dead would serve no purpose other than taking the easy way out. It wouldn't ease anyone's pain because all of this would have still happened anyway. But it seemed so easy to say, to just say that if it had happened, they'd be fine. That he wouldn't be the cause of all of this pain.

The words she was saying cut Charlie deep, and his face twisted in a sob as he looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes anymore. Didn't she understand that he couldn't do this? He wasn't as strong as she was making him out to be. He wasn't some kind of hero and he damn sure wasn't a saint. "I can't do this." he found himself whispering sadly. "It...it hurts so much. I can't do this. I wake up and--and I just want to make the pain stop. Before--before, I just took the drugs because I thought it would make everything between Liam and I and--and it did for a while. But now--now I just want to feel that peace that I felt. I took a bump and--and everything went away." His hands gripped at her sleeves. "I just want to feel that again. Nothing could touch me when I was like that. Nothing could hurt me. Nothing could touch me because I was...just floating. I want to feel that again. Please? Please?" Charlie was near the point of begging. "Just--just one hit and I swear I wont do it again. You can take me to rehab and drop me off. A-And it can be one of those shitty rehabs, too, I don't care. I'm going to go insane, Libby, I can't take it."

[Libby]

She couldn’t handle this. It was hard enough to hear him talking like he was worthless, like everyone would be better without him, but the begging, the pleading... she couldn’t handle it. He was sobbing and desperate and her heart ached. She wanted to help him so bad, but what could she do? There was only one thing he thought could help and it was the one thing she could not, would not, do. She knew it would only be a temporary fix and would only do more damage in the long run.

Lowering her head so that her bangs fell in her eyes, Libby closed them, a few tears streaking down her cheeks. She knew she had to be strong for him, but it was killing her to see him like this.

“Charlie, I can’t,” she choked out, dropping her hands from his face to rest against his chest instead. “I know you think it will help, but it won’t. It will only make things worse. I’ll do anything else, but not that. I’ll... you can stay here. I’ll be here when you fall asleep, and when you wake up. Anything you want, except that.”

[Charlie Pace]

Sleep. It seemed like forever that Charlie had gotten a decent night sleep, without visions of his mother or the mysterious girl on the beach. He felt himself swallow, his tears slowing slightly as cupped her cheeks, thumbs running across her lips.

Anything you want. Once that had been a loaded question, only asked by people knowing exactly what Charlie would say. However, right now, he didn't even feel up to doing that, even though a small part of him knew that if he went ahead and kissed her again, touched her in that one small way, he'd have her. Since when had he ever been to exausted to shag? Now, apparently.

He slid his arms around her waist, foreheads touching as he felt his eyes close. He kissed her and tasted the salt from her tears on his tongue. "I'll have to stay here." he said lowly, believing this to be the point where he had cried himself out of tears. "Because if I leave...I know exactly where I can go to get what I need."

In some small part, this was him saying no to himself. But he had to STAY here. He had to stay and not slip out in the middle of the night for a score. "I'm just so tired..."

[Libby]

Libby kept her eyes closed as his thumbs brushed across her lips. Her body trembled slightly from a million different things and she could barely discern between her thoughts and her feelings, between physical and emotional exhaustion. Her whole mind was jumbled and confused, and the only thing she was sure of was that she had to keep him here, with her, no matter what.

She felt his forehead against hers again, his arms around her waist and his lips brushing hers. It was so brief but it made her feel weaker. Part of her wanted to make the move, to step over that boundary she had felt so necessary for reasons she couldn’t now remember, but another part of her was still too terrified to take that step.

Then there was that small rational part of her that still held on, the part that knew that wasn’t what he needed. The part that knew she couldn’t give into her weaknesses because she needed to be strong, for him and for both of them. She needed to save him, but she didn’t know how. He had saved her so many times by just being there. He was her lifeline, her rock, her constant, but what was she to him?

She was his friend, someone who loved him; maybe that could be enough. She had failed him before and she would not do so again.

“I know you are,” Libby replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “You can stay as long as you need, and I’ll stay with you. You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll be right beside you the whole time.”

[Charlie Pace]

The couch was near where they were standing, and he knew he had to sit down before he fell down from exaustion. He lead her over to the couch, and as she sit, he laid down, laying his head in her lap. He stared at the fireplace that wasn't lit, and tried to calm his nerves.

"When I was little," Charlie started, his voice tired compared to it's usual chatter. "I told my mom that I'd save the family. We lived modestly, I-I mean, we weren't weren't poor but we sure the hell weren't livin' like the Queen. But we were living. I told my mom that it'd save the family and get them out of Manchester. Mom never got to leave."

The memory of when his mother had first gave him the piano filtered into his brain, and then he was reminded about the piano that had mysteriously arrived in his apartment. Of course, he knew it had been Libby, because Liam had flat out denied it. And his brother couldn't keep a secret for long.

"I know it was you who bought me the piano." he said after a moment. "Because I asked Karen if Liam had bought it, and she can't lie to me. She feels bad, and then Liam came in and tried to pull the 'aww, Karen! Way to spoil the surprise!' act like he HAD bought it, but then he fessed up and said he didn't know who bought it either."

He adjusted himself slightly on the couch. "Y'didn't hafta." he said after a moment. "It's too much."