The beautiful beginnings of a bad dream --Sarah--

[Jack Shephard]

"Jack? Jackson, honey, wake up."

Jack felt himself groan slightly at the hand that lightly pushed down on his shoulder. His mother's voice filterered into his brain, and he rolled over onto his back. The taste of death was lingering in his dry mouth, and the image above him was blurry at best. "Mom?"

"You've got a visitor."

"Mom, I told you not to let the reporters in--"

"No." Margo said evenly. "No, it's--well, she had called last night. She saw you in the paper about...the incedent." Margo couldn't even bring herself to say Claire's name. "She's worried about you, Jack."

Jack brought a hand up, fingers pressing against his eyes. "Mom, really. The last person on this planet that I want to see right now is her."

"Maybe it'll do you some good to see her, Jack." Margo's voice became hard. "Look at yourself. You--you came home last night drunker than your father. I had to help you up the stairs, Jack." Her voice was almost pleading. "Just go talk to her, Jack. Maybe she can help you find yourself." Margo stood up, moving towards the door. "Now get up and get dressed. She's been waiting for a half an hour."

Jack was left in silence once again. Hung over and shaky, Jack stood, moving over to the closet to change into clean clothes. Sweat-pants and a shirt later, he brushed his teeth and checked himself in the mirror. He took in a breath. Why the hell was she here after everything? Jack wasn't even sure if he wanted to see her anymore. Would she welcome him back with open arms, tell him that she loved him and she was sorry? That she'd never leave again? Would she hate him?

Would she see what happened to him since he had left for Australia?

Jack moved barefoot down the hall, and down the stairs, holding firmly to the stair rail to keep his balence. And almost like a bad dream that started out so beautiful, there she was, her back to him, stairing out one of the windows to the front yard.

It was then that Jack realised he hadn't a clue what to say to Sarah. His tone wasn't angry, it was tired, worn out, and drugged out, but most of all, it was honest.

"What are you doing here?"

[Sarah Shephard]

She had spent the last half hour talking to Margo Shephard, merely catching up over things as she waited for him to get up. She wasn't sure she could face him - after everything that had happened, she just wasn't sure she was ready. Part of her wondered why she had choosen to come, another part wondering just what in the hell she was going to say to him.

As Margo went upstairs to awaken her son, Sarah had strayed into the living room from the kitchen, staring out the front window at the yard. The flowers his mother had planted, curled upon themselves in the cold Janurary weather. Her arms folded silently across her chest as she let out an even softer sigh, brushed a few loose curls from her face.

When she heard him, she turned. Her gaze instantly raked over him, coming to the conclusion that he was hungover and looked rather like death warmed over. She allowed a slightly ackward silence to pass before she spoke in her soft tone.

"I came to see you Jack. See how you were doing." Sarah replied gently, allowing her arms to fall to her sides as she took a step toward him. He looked like he would topple over any minute, but she wasn't going to push him.

[Jack Shephard]

How he was doing. He almost scoffed at her words, yet, he found himself looking down. "How do you think I'm doing?" he asked, and then bit his tounge. He didn't want to be hostile with her; there was no point. They had yelled and screamed and cried at each other before, it would have all been insanely redundant.

Jack felt himself swallow, and he brought a hand up to scratch at the back of his neck. "I'm...I'm fine. For someone that's been on an Island for the last three months, I'm doing fine."

But he knew he could never lie to her even if he wanted to. He moved past her to the kitchen, pouring a glass of juice from the fridge. He looked at her, knowing that he should at least be conversational. "Can I get you something?"

[Sarah Shephard]

She didn't say anything when he spoke the first time, his harsh words causing her to flinch slightly. Sarah had braced herself for all hell to break loose between Jack and herself, so she was merely waiting for the explosion. But when he spoke the second time around, she let out a slight breath that she realized she had been holding.

"That's good." She said quietly. "At least you made it home." She added after another pause. Sarah could sense a bit of tension between them.

"No thanks." She replied when he offered her something to drink. She followed him into the kitchen, holding up a half empty cup of coffee. "Your mother has me covered."

[Jack Shephard]

As she said it was good he had made it home, Jack nodded slightly, taking a long gulp of his juice. "Yeah, it's...it's great that we're home." But was it great? He had put his newfound step-sister into a mental hospital...for what? Because she said she had seen Charlie? And when anyone had asked him why he had put her there, he had to lie...because no one could know or even understand what had happened on the Island.

He looked over at Sarah tiredly, and for a brief second, he wished he could have just gone into her arms. Maybe that's what he needed, someone other than his mother to just tell him that it was going to be okay. Sure there was Kate, but lately, he was unsure if she thought that what he had done with KAte was the right thing to do. A breath escaped his lips in a sigh, and he looked down at the white, tiled floor. "Sarah, I--" he started, and then narrowed h is brows. "We havn't seen each other for more than five minutes in almost half a year and then...and then you show up here...for what? 'Cause...you have no idea what I went through on that Island and seeing you, it just..."

Well, it was the icing on the cake. Or the nail in the coffin, either one.

[Sarah Shephard]

She leaned against the counter, taking a drink of coffee softly. It was still warm, thankfully. She stared at ther counter, doing anything to not look at Jack. Sarah knew it was a mistake coming here. Did she want to take back Jack? Apologize for making him divorce her? What did she want?

"I understand I don't know what you went through on that island, and I'm not trying to understand." She stated, finally looking back up at him, blinking. "Like I said Jack - I'm here to make sure you're okay. I want to know you're going to be okay. I want.... " She began, but allowed her voice to trail off slightly. What did she want?

"I'm sorry. If you want me to leave, Jack, I will." Sarah continued after a moment, suddenly interested in her nails. She didn't look back up at him. She would be more than happy to leave, but of course, she would still worry about Jack. She had been married to the man, so it wasn't like she couldn't help but worry.

[Jack Shephard]

"Wait, just..don't--don't leave."

Why was he saying that to her? He knew deep down he still cared about her. Part of him hated her with the fires of a thousand suns, of course, but deep down...he still cared about her. You couldn't give someone your heart and your soul and expect yourself not to care. But honestly, was he this masochistic? Willing to keep company with his ex-wife to talk about...what? The weather? The latest score on the Red Sox game? How her new boyfriend/husband treated her?

He brought a hand up, pressing against the bridge of his nose. "You know, uh...the first night after we crashed," Why was he saying this? Why bring up those memories again? "I couldn't sleep. O-Of course, I had just fallen out of the sky from a plane that broke apart in mid air, of course I couldn't sleep, but...but I just stayed up looking at the stars and I thought about how much I missed you. I hadn't thought about it in a while, but I did miss you. And then I thought about all the things I had done to you...and I felt like shit about it." Almost dying did that to people. It made a person extremely retrospective.

[Sarah Shephard]

"All right, then I won't leave." Sarah stated quietly with a small nod. Part of her wanted to leave, and part of her didn't want to, but she wasn't sure which part was stronger. It was like the two parts that did and didn't want Jack back. Which was stronger?

Sarah listened to him without interrupting, wondering briefly if this was his own messed up way of apologizing. "When I heard that the plane you were on crashed, I do have to admit I was worried about you too, Jack." She spoke in a quiet tone again, finally looking back up at him. "I couldn't sleep either, or days after that for that matter, wondering if you were dead or alive. It made me feel horrible about the things I yelled at you." She said, wondering if this was her way of apologizing herself.

"Yet, here you stand, alive and well." She continued with a small smile.

[Jack Shephard]

He wasn't sure if he should have been as happy as he was when she said she wasn't leaving. Maybe it was the drugs. Or just the general shitty feeling he was feeling because of the drugs. Maybe it was because the Island made him put things in order in his life, what really mattered. Maybe he was just masochistic as always.

When she spoke of the plane crash, hearing about it, Jack nodded slightly, bringing the juice cup up to his lips as he took a drink. "Yeah, we, uh...we weren't sure if anyone knew until...you know, we didn't show up in LA." When she said she had felt horrible at the things he had said, he felt a twinge of satisfaction. "I know. I mean, being on an island...it gives you some time to think. And...and I'm sorry. For everything I've done to you. Looking back I just--I didn't mean to hurt you, ever." And that wasn't a lie. There were times, moreso in the beginning than the end, that Jack thought about Sarah, about all of the things he had said, about what he had done to her, said to her...how he longed to just see her smile again, because it was her smile that he had fell in love with all those years ago. Her smile when he had been crying out of happiness that she was able to walk. Her smile when he cried at their wedding.

"Yet here you stand, alive and well..."

"Alive and well," Jack echoed with a soft, almost sad laugh. "Yeah, alive. Alive is what I am." The well part? Well, he wasn't sure he was well. Correction, he KNEW he wasn't well.

[Sarah Shephard]

"Of course people knew Jack - the entire world knew about the infamous crash of Oceanic 815. Just..." She trailed off slightly with a bitter smirk. "Just everyone thought you and the rest of the passengers were dead." She said after a moment, tracing an invisible pattern along the countertop as she looked up at him. "No one has ever survived a plane crash like that, little own survived on a deserted island for almost four months."

Sarah smiled slightly.

"I accept your apology Jack - I understand. I probably said some things that I'm not exactly proud of either, and for that, I'm sorry as well." She murmured after another moment. "I didn't want to hurt you either - it's just... well, you were never exactly home because you worked so much, and I missed having you at home. I got angry and I know I shouldn't have." Sarah continued, looking down at the tiled floor again. She felt better know that both herself and Jack had apologized, but where exactly did it put them? Friends? Still hating each other? Sarah really didn't know, but as long as he didn't start yelling, she was fine.

Sarah had nearly killed herself with worry over Jack when he had been in the plane crash, knowing she would never get over it if he turned up dead and she never apologized. Now, as she nursed her warm coffee and stared at the floor again, she gelt better that she had gotten the apology off her chest. Now she waited, waiting patiently for his reply.

[Jack Shephard]

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't survived the crash."

Honesty was poking through the mask he wore for Sarah, the mask that had been chipped and broken by the booze and the alcohol and the pain.

As he looked down to the floor, he picked at a stray thread on his worn sweatpants. She said she accepted his apology, and he felt himself nod slightly. As she said she missed having him at home, his brows narrowed. "I tried, Sarah. I tried so damn hard and then...and whenever I did come home, you never wanted to see me. So I just stopped trying all together." It was easier to bury himself into work than try to force himself into his bed at night. He remembered months before the divorce when kisses were no longer deep and soul-searching, but simple pecks before work. How laying in bed with content smiles on their faces after mind-blowing sex never happened, they just simply laid in bed away from each other. How he figured one moment how little he knew of the woman that slept next to him.

How he had longed to see her smile, but couldn't remember a way to make that happiness come across her face.

"But...but you're happy now. That's all that matters." He remembered how he had cried when Juliet had told him Sarah was in love. Happy. He wasn't even sure why he had cried, and he couldn't answer Juliet when she had asked him later, but partly he knew he cried because it would never, ever be him.

[Sarah Shephard]

Sarah frowned slightly when he mentioned he sometimes wished he hadn't survived the crash. No matter how much she hated Jack - or had hated Jack - she would have never wished him dead. At least not aloud, or at the current moment.

"I never wanted to see you because you never wanted to see me. Your work was obviously more important to you." She replied with a small shrug, glancing at him again. "I now I understand that your work is something you love, and I obviously couldn't have stopped you from doing it." Sarah continued. "So I stopped trying to get you to love me more than you loved 'fixing' things."

A small smile briefly crossed her face, almost sadlike. "Yeah, I'm happy. But I really want you to be happy to Jack. I really do." She continued with a sigh. She didn't want him to be unhappy - then she would feel slightly guilty. Damn, why did she have to be so emotional about things? Especially when it came to Jack? He was still a sensitive subject around her, but she couldn't understand why. She wanted nothing more to move on with her life, but found it harder than she first realized.

[Jack Shephard]

"That's--that's not true."

But it was so true. Before he had married her, when they had been dating, he had wrote her notes and stuck them in her papers. He would surprise her with three dozen roses for no reason. He'd take her to physical therapy and tell her how much he loved her every time she took a step. In those moments in surgery, right after he lost a patient, when he was between crying and throwing up, he'd remind himself that he had Sarah. She was still alive. He was still a good doctor.

And then, slowly...it faded. He no longer wrote notes to her, except when he needed to tell her to buy milk or that they were out of laundry soap. Whenever he saw her take a step, he didn't think anything at all, let alone that he loved her. And when he lost patients...

"I did love you. I still--" If that hadn't been the slip of the century, Jack wasn't sure what was. "There was just--alot of things, Sarah that...that I wasn't sure how to deal with."

She wanted him to be happy. God, he knew he was so far from happy that he wasn't sure if he even knew what the word meant anymore. The last time he had been happy...truely happy...before the Freighter, before everything changed and ended, it had been...playing football at the Other's camp. No, before that...the moment that Hurley had brought the food. The way they had stuffed themselves almost to puking...playing Golf. They had played Golf on the Island, and Jack remembered that time, the way it put him so at ease...the way he had smiled when Kate said he was letting go...

"I don't think I'll be happy again..."

It was such a negative view, but Jack had to wonder...where would happiness come now?

[Sarah Shephard]

"I did love you. I still--"

Yeah right. Sarah knew he had stopped loving her the moment everything romantic stopped. The cute little notes, the roses, everything. Yet, a part of her was still hopelessly in love with him, even if he was late from hospital every night, even if he pretty much ignored her for the last few months of her marriage. And then she had just given up - and that's when she had decided a divorce would be the best for them both.

Yet, part of her wished things could have stayed like they had been - the notes and everything. It's why she wore her wedding ring on her middle finger of her opposite hand - she hadn't gotten rid of it. Sarah wasn't one to let go, but she knew if she ever wanted to move on, getting rid of the gold band would be the first thing she would have to do.

"I really doubt that Jack." She said after a moment, tracing the outer rim of her coffee cup. "You'll be happy - I'll make sure you're happy." If he wasn't happy, she wasn't going to be happy. Sarah would make sure he was happy again.