The End is the Beginning is the End

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

Captive. Again. This was getting old real fast. This time he had at least the semblance of a room, but the churning of the water outside, and the sway of the entire boat was making Sawyer’s stomach churn. He needed some fresh air and, Jesus, he needed a god damn smoke.

They had snuck into the camp like thieves in the night, speaking with those they knew they could reason with and subduing those that they felt would resist. Apparently they thought he wouldn’t go without a fight, that he would be violent. Rubbing the bump on his head for a moment, Sawyer let out an angry growl as he snatched up the small table beside the metal cot and threw it across the room where it splintered against the wall. Where they hell had they gotten an idea like that?

Now they were on their way home and he hadn’t even gotten a choice in the matter. He had wanted to stay on the island, as there was nothing for him to return to, but those bastards had knocked him out and threw him on the fucking boat. Home. They were going home. Back to America. Back home.

No matter how he said it, it still didn’t feel right.

Approaching the door, Sawyer began to pound loudly on it once again.

“I think y’all can let me out now!” he called, the malice clear in his voice. “We’re in the middle of the god damn ocean by now! What the hell am I gonna do, make a swim for it?”

(open)

[kateausten]

15...Shit..16…23… Damn it!. It’d been ninety-six days on the island, and now Kate couldn’t even manage a game of 21, yet she had no problem tracking wild boar. A sarcastic and frustrated laugh came from her lips as she sat against the cold metal wall, a pack of battered cards she’d found in a drawer spread out on the bed. There was no way in hell Kate would be able to sleep right now for a number of reasons actually. Number one, the boat was moving and Kate, even since a young child had a problem sleeping on or in anything that was moving, the only time she’d find slumber in such situations is if she’d went days with out sleep. Number two, the beds felt like cement, springs stuck up every where here and there , even at the moment she had been careful to position herself as she simply sat there. Reason three, the prospect of this actually being the final straw for the island. Kate, or any of the other survivors would never have to see it again , they were going home.

The pure thought of home sent mixed emotions pulsating through her. Their entire time on the island, they were trying to get home… awaiting rescue.. Now Kate wasn’t exactly sure how she felt, especially after last night. Some of the people had been forced to come at what ever it took, some being Sawyer, Locke and a few others, mostly the people at the barracks or so she heard. When Kate had arrived back at the beach there was whispers of what had happened but they were ignored mostly because of everyone’s excitement. Kate reshuffled the cards and began laying them out as the other reasons began disappearing.

“I think y’all can let me out now. We’re in the middle of the god damn ocean by now! What the hell am I gonna do, make a swim for it?” The angry southern drawl interrupted the creaking of the boat walls and the slosh of the waves out side. The two weren’t on good terms, not in the slightest, Sawyer had been the over bearing asshole and Kate had slapped him for it. Subconciously her hand had fallen to her stomach, she’d told him that she wasn’t pregnant and Sawyer had thought that was some of the best news ever… having a kid would be a mistake.. A look of disgust crossed her face, she didn’t know if she was pregnant, but that night was hardly the night to tell him she may have been.

After Sawyer’s opinion was stated, Kate didn’t think she’d ever tell him now, clearly he didn’t want any thing to do with it, and it’d all be a mistake. If he wanted to be like that, she could as well. Kate’s eyes traveled to her door, it was only open about a foot but she could hear every bang and sound echoing from him. A frustrated sigh came out of Kate’s parted lips as she through the cards down finding herself going against her better judgement, the only reasoning in her mind was “He’d do the same”

A feeling of nervousness crossed her stomach as her hand ran through her hair, eventually her room was far behind her as she traveled down the hall to the source of his annoyed pleas of wanting out. For a moment she stopped in the hall her mind buzzing if this was a good idea or not, the obvious answer was no. Nothing good would come of this, but Kate found her hand idly on the door handle. Before she could think of much else it was too late and it was pushed open. “Keep it down, James. People are trying to sleep.” Her voice was bitter and her eyes hadn’t met his and that’s the way she wanted it to stay. Turning around she began to head back to her room.

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

With each bang on the door, the walls seemed to move closer. It was like being back in that cage again... or a prison cell. At least that time he had deserved it, but the cage? This? What the hell had he done to deserve this? Why were they being forced to return? The Island wasn’t much of a secret now, was it? So if he wanted to inhabit it and call it home, why should anyone else give a damn?

His hand was getting sore from beating on the door, so he pressed them flat against the frame around it and for a brief moment the sound stopped. Then he began kicking. Rhythmic pounding to some beat he couldn’t hear. Eventually someone would get annoyed enough and either come tell him to shut up, or they would take pity on him and actually let him free. He was counting on Hugo for that one.

He hadn’t been counting on Kate. Stepping back from the door when it suddenly started to open, he was just about to grab whoever it was when her voice stilled his motions. After their last encounter, she was the last person he expected to take any pity on him. In hindsight, maybe he could have handled the situation with the baby better than he had, but he was only saying what the both knew. What the hell would they do with a kid? She was a fugitive, he was a con man, and they had both killed people. Not exactly in the running for parents of the year, there.

Hearing her tone of voice, he felt a stab of guilt, but he quickly quashed it. What did he have to feel guilty about? She was just upset that he had finally called her on her rebounding bullshit and wasn’t going to play second fiddle anymore to their self appointed saviour.

“They might wanna keep their doors braced. Some people on this hunk’a junk are real fond of handin’ out rude awakenings,” Sawyer replied, rubbing the bump on his head again as he stepped out of the room behind Kate.

[kateausten]

Why did she insist on opening the doors of hell? Even at the time she knew it wasn’t a smart idea, but now she found herself there, in his presence, and not only did it make Kate feel uneasy, it made her the slightest bit angry at herself. It was really like opening a can of worms, she shouldn’t of done it, and yet she had, now the consequences would play out and chances are the two of them would leave angry, yet again. Kate was kicking herself mentally, the decision was one that was the type to be regretted instantly.

Frustrated, she raised her hand to her forehead , pressing down hard as she rubbed. The small lights of the hall way flickered on and off, it was incredibly dark and very dim but she kept trudging to her room as the boat tipped to the right lightly. Kate had almost lost her balance but her hand fly up to the wall to center herself, when she caught her balance she continued on not bothering to look back at Sawyer who was in the hallway, the echo of his footsteps joined hers as the sound reverberated off the wall.

“I’m sure they weren’t intending on it either, and I’m sure now they, and almost everyone else you’ve woken up would much rather you stuck back there.” She was included in that broad statement, well part of her was. The other wasn’t sure what she wanted. Kate continued to walk , the hallway was now seemingly longer then it was before. “Claire just got Aaron down, so keep it quiet.” She told him, her tone still harsh, but hushed as well. Kate’s eyes avoided him as she turned into her room, the cards had slipped off the bed and spread all over the floor at this point. “Damn.” She muttered kneeling down slowly beginning to pick up the cards.

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

You’d think that someone would feel a whole lot better in the bowls of a big ol’ boat than on a dinky, handmade raft, but that wasn’t the case with Sawyer. The structural safety of the raft hadn’t mattered to him, but the freedom of the open air was much preferable to the stuffiness of the freighter, and the way it groaned and shifted around them. He wanted off this thing, and quick.

Keeping his footing fairly well, his hand instantly shot out when Kate stumbled but he was too far away to catch her. Luckily she caught herself against the wall, and even better she hadn’t seen his protective movements. Hell, she probably thought he’d just let her fall. Fine by him.

Scowling at her back as she spoke, Sawyer continued to follow her despite himself. What the hell else was he going to do? He should go find Jack and give him a knock upside the head and see how he liked it. Whether it had been Jack or not, surely he owed him one for something. And hey, even if he didn’t it would sure feel good.

“Little late now,” he grumbled. Watching her disappear around a corner into another small room, he stopped at the doorway, leaning against the frame instead of just inviting himself right in. They all looked the same; small, dank and uncomfortable.

“What ya doin’ down here all by yer lonesome? Figured you’d be off celebrating with our fearless leader by now,” he drawled, his eyes dark as watched her movements. After all, wasn’t it Jack’s turn to be hung off of and used? Oh, wait, she saved the latter just for Sawyer while Jack got all the perks.

[kateausten]

Kate knelt down further and reached under the bed grabbing two cards that had fallen, now as she picked them up trying to shuffle them back to order, well, now she wished she could go back to the previous two minutes. Sawyer yelling his lungs off, and kicking , hitting the door until he was blue in the face was such a better alternative to what she was now faced with. It was bad enough right now that her mind couldn’t decide if she wanted to leave the island, and if she didn’t want to, it was too later. But the added drama of the asshole behind her wasn’t needed.

Kate ignored him as he spoke. If it was a little too late now, Sawyer himself was going to have to deal with the angry mob that had been trying to sleep. That is if his kicking and screaming hadn’t woken them up, it was much louder down here where everything was so closed in and such. Sawyer was standing there, she could feel him watching her, and hear his breathing as the creaking of the ship died down, only to start up seconds later.

When Sawyer’s words had made it to her ears Kate had tossed the cards down, stood up and spun around, her face twisted in a look of loathing and hurt. As her eyes narrowed down on him she shook her head. “Fearless leader? He managed to get us off the island, didn’t he James?” His words cut at her, he was wrong about her… “I’m down here because I want to be.” It took everything she had in her to stop from slapping him hard across the face. As Kate stood there with her eyes boaring into his. “Get Out James.” She seethed. If he was here to play the jealous boyfriend card, Kate wasn’t going for it.

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

When Kate turned on him, hair all wild and eyes narrowed, Sawyer was reminded of the fire that had been part of what had first drawn him to her. Never afraid to get dirty or fight dirty. He would have found her incredibly attractive right now if not for the look in her eyes. Hurt, hatred... it burned into him.

“Yeah, he did. Even tha ones of us that didn’t wanna go,” he shot back, pushing off the door frame to stand straight. “Excuse me if I don’t rush right off ta thank him.”

Down here because she wanted to be? Why the hell would she choose to sit around in a small, dark cell? That question seemed to go hand in hand with the one of why she wanted off the island so bad in the first place. What the hell was waiting for her back home? The rest of her life on the run, or an eight by eight cell. A cell.

“What, tryin’ ta get used ta what yer new home is gonna feel like?” The words rolled off his tongue before he could even think of stopping them. It was possibly the worst thing he could have said, but after everything it was easier to strike to hurt than to make amends. Once they got back to the mainland he would never see her again, it was better to cut her out now, cut her out of his life and his heart. She’d obviously already done the same to him, that was if he ever really held a place in hers. Not only had she refused to stay with him at the island, but she had probably assisted in make sure that he didn’t stay either.

[kateausten]

The man standing in front of her had completely ruined their relationship with in the last 48 hours, yet as he continued to open his mouth, he kept pushing Kate further and further away, and digging himself a hole he’d eventually lie in. “He did it for your own good.” Kate shot back, “I wouldn’t know what went on since I was to busy hiking back to the beach.” She almost retorted a little too quickly, “The day you thank Jack for saving your sorry ass life HOW many times, Is the day hell freezes over, so really, don’t flatter yourself and think he’s expecting it.”

Jack was so above that… Kate couldn’t peel her eyes off of him, she felt her temper raising and herself becoming flushed, and yet, she couldn’t seem to do anything aside from glare at him, her thoughts messed up even more. However, the last straw was coming. What, tryin’ ta get used ta what yer new home is gonna feel like? In a moment her eyes now looked like slits and Kate had lunged forward and slapped him hard across the face, her hand stung incredibly so she could only imagine how his face felt. The nerve of him! If anyone knew what Sawyer had done , he’d be joining her… But then again, would she end up in jail? Would they do that after everything had happened. When Kate disappeared she was a murderer, an escaped convict… But on the island the people saw her for how she really was… The real world hadn’t seen that Kate..

“Oh like you’re any better!” She yelled angrily, “What’re you gonna do Sawyer? Go and kill the man that made your daddy do what he did? Make sure you get the right guy this time.” Kate seethed standing a mere foot away from him. She assumed the man Sawyer had killed before was the man he thought to be the original Sawyer.

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

Excuses, excuses. For someone who thought that throwing him on this ship against his will was for his own good, she sure was quick to absolve herself of any involvement in it. But even if she’d had nothing to do with it, she hadn’t exactly stopped it either. She hadn’t stopped them from locking him up on this damn boat with a knot the size of a beach ball on his head.

Which suddenly hurt a lot less as his head was flung to the side by the force of the blow to the face she had just delivered. Stumbling a step as the boat lurched beneath him, Sawyer brought a hand up to his stinging cheek. “Son of a bitch,” he growled under his breath, turning his head back to glare at Kate through the curtain of shaggy hair that partially hid his eyes. If he hadn’t been so angry right then he would have recognized that he had deserved that. He had delivered a low blow, and one low blow deserved another. Unfortunately the slap wasn’t enough; the following words hurt much more.

Sawyer. Tom Sawyer. Anthony Cooper. Whatever the hell his name was, it didn’t matter. That bastard had ruined his life, had taken everything from him when he had been too young to do anything to stop it. James Ford could do nothing but hide while his whole family was destroyed, and it was all because of that man. He had never done a good thing in his life because of that man. His life had no meaning, no purpose, because of that man. And now that man was dead.

A haunted expression settled on his face that he couldn’t hide. The man was dead now, and James himself had killed him. The bastard had laughed in his face, mocked his heartache and torn the letter he had carried for twenty-seven years. He had deserved to die, everything had lead up to that moment... and now there was nothing left. He wished Kate had never seen that letter, and that he had never told her his story.

“You don’t know what tha hell you’re talkin’ about,” he eventually forced out, his tone low, dangerous and pained. Clenching his jaw, his eyes narrowed as he tried to shake off his shock at being faced with the very thing he wanted to forget above all else.

[kateausten]

It was almost triumphant to hear that Sawyer was actually hurt by that, in a way it gave her the feeling of empowerment, not to mention that she felt a hell of a lot better now. He’d gotten what he’d deserved and now as they stood there Kate could see how much what she’d done, physically and verbally had effected him, and really, she had no sympathy. The entire time on the island, they’ve had their ups and down, but this most certainly topped anything that had ever happened before.

It seemed like there would be no reset button on the moment and go back on anything that was said, but then again, it wasn’t like the two of them to do so. Her eyes held so much emotion however the hurt was slowly being replaced with a fierce feeling of hatred and disbelief. How could he stand there and be so judgmental, and simply look at her like he was doing.

“You don’t either James!” Kate said through gritted teeth, she needed to calm down, and he wasn’t helping in the slightest, and at this rate they were going to wake the entire freighter up and disturb anyone else who was anywhere else on the boat. Shaking her head she turned around walking to the other side of the small room, sure it wasn’t much but it was as far away as she could get from him with out going past him. “Don’t you dare try and play it off like you’re better then me. We both know we’re no different.”

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

While Kate’s anger only seemed to increase, her shot had caused him to diminish as he was faced, once again, with just how hollow the life was he was being forced to return to. No family, no friends, no purpose... no life at all, really. The only people that were going to be happy to see him were those he owed money to, and even that was going to be in short supply. He’d have to fall right back into his old role again if he wanted to survive, but the very idea of pulling the same old scam again, his scam, left a sour taste in Sawyer’s mouth.

There had to be another way, something else to live for, to fight for and to work toward. Dropping his hand from his still throbbing cheek, he stepped into the room finally and closed the door behind him as he heard distant voices down the hall.

“Don’t you dare try and play it off like you’re better then me. We both know we’re no different.”

She had put as much distance as possible between them now, and besides closing the door, Sawyer didn’t leave his post by it. Brushing a hand back through his hair, he watched her silently for a moment, his expression suddenly unreadable.

“Ain’t that what I been sayin’ all along, Freckles?” he eventually replied, the nickname rolling off his tongue easily despite the tense situation. They were cut from the same cloth, they shared a connection; he’d been saying so since the very beginning. It was why they were perfectly suited yet also why they would never work.

[kateausten]

Kate’s tone had been frustrated and acidic she could even hear it herself as her statement rolled out into the air , laying crisp on the moment. It was hard when the two fought because in their own little way they mirrored each other, and before it would ever get better, it would only get worse. That was most cases, neither of them liked to give up and lose so they were both usually thriving for the last say. When Sawyer shut the door Kate’s insides flipped for a moment as she studied him ready for what he was about to to next, whatever that was.

Kate wrapped her arms around herself, her foot tapped impatiently. For a moment her eyes traveled to the floor where the cards were slowly spreading over the floor due to the motion of the ocean. She didn’t care about it right now, when he left she would go back to playing her game , ignoring him right up until they landed in LA. And when they did there, she would avoid him, wouldn’t bother saying good bye. Hell, Kate didn’t even know what she was going to do or where she was going to go. Maybe just maybe the FBI had forgotten about her? Tossed everything away when they were all reported dead? Or.. Or maybe they were going to toss her in a jail cell much like the one she was currently in with the con-man staring back at her.

Deep down she knew it wasn’t going to play out like the first option, and it was that moment she realized she wished the island sand was still under her instead of the cold metal of their rescue boat. Ain’t that what I been sayin’ all along, Freckles? Kate’s eyes darted to his, was he now trying to sweeten the mood after all the shit he’d said and done? Shaking her head Kate looked away, “Go to hell Sawyer.” She said dropping her arms, as disappointment set in. Her tone wasn’t as stony as she would of liked and Kate only hoped he wasn’t able to tell.

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

She was crossing her arms in a defensive manner, her eyes shifting to the door when he shut it. She almost seemed nervous to be alone in the room with him, something that would have given him some form of satisfaction under different circumstances. Unfortunately, he doubted he was going to get any satisfaction out of this encounter.

“I’ll get there sooner or later,” he replied cheekily, though his heart definitely wasn’t in it. He should have just left. He should have walked out when she slapped him and told him to get out. He should have left because the longer he stayed here with her, the harder it was going to be.

Taking a single step forward, Sawyer absently rubbed his cheek again before stuffing his hands in his pockets. The silence that followed was more uncomfortable than the yelling before. “How long ya think we got?”

[kateausten]

There was no way she’d be able to run the moment they got back, as it was she looked disheaveled, and dirty, exactly like you’d expect some one to look after spending three months on an island. Maybe this would be something kept on the down low, because honestly how many people knew there was a freighter that had come to this island to save these survivors… It wasn’t like they had no idea who Kate was either, Miles had known exactly who she was and what she’d done. Was there now an even bigger reward out for her? Or did they in fact all think she was dead? Maybe they’d had that in mind, turning her in? Kate’s fingers raised to her temples massaging it lightly. “I know you will.” She retorted in a frustrated tone.

They’d now been on the freighter for a few hours, so no doubt it was impossible to swim back, especially with all the marine life in the water. It was final she was going to have to run… If she turned herself in it would only be one of the worst things possible, but then again… Kate wasn’t ready for a life on the run again. She’d forgotten what it was like to be normal.. To have friends. Kate noticed Sawyer step forward and she avoided it by moving side ways and sitting down on the bed like she had been previously when her game of 21 was of interest. “Dan said we would be there by tomorrow. And it’s only been a few hours. So.’” She shrugged.

By no means had Kate’s anger settled, it was very much alive but now as it slowly simmered more important things had crossed her mind. It seemed Sawyer had been right, a room like this would soon be her home again. Kate shut her eyes, her fingers coming up and pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. “What’re you doin’ James?” She asked seriously, all eyes on him.

[James "Sawyer" Ford]

Well, that was a mature retort, not that he could argue it. If there was a hell, he was well on his way there. How many people had he killed now? How many had he conned? Even if he did want to atone for any of it, there just weren’t enough years left in his worthless life.

Tomorrow. They would be there by tomorrow. Then what?

Watching Kate’s movements as she sat, the way she squeezed her eyes so tight and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. For her, this could be her last night of freedom.

They had said a lot of harsh things to each other, this had been the worst fight they had ever had, and some of the wounds wouldn’t heal quickly, but... he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t cut her out of his life, just like that. She was under his skin, in his blood like a god damn disease and he couldn’t get free of her. When she looked up at him this time, his emotions were laid bare.

“Just thinkin’. There’s enough people on this boat. We get lost in tha crowd, get a little distraction goin’... surely a few people could slip off unnoticed...”

The tone was awkward, almost tentative. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her.