The shame is more painful than anything {Liam}

[Charlie Pace]

It was painful to even think.

The last two nights had been a blur. He remembered going up to 42-B of the Roosevelt Hotel, his home until he got back to Manchester, frustrated and close to tears. Liam was landing in Los Angeles, and had asked if Charlie was still using...because if Charlie was still using, he'd get a hotel somewhere else. Charlie had tried to deny that he had been using, because he ached to see Megan, however, Liam knew. He always knew. The phonecall had ended with screams and Charlie almost throwing the phone against the sidewalk in anger.

His heart hadn't stopped racing after that. It had been three days. His hands were shaking so much that he could hardly hold the spoon (thankfully before the cooking). It had been the most painful three days of his life. With everything laid out on the table, Charlie just continued to snort the mixture of drugs. As he bent down to take the drugs into his system, a loud pounding came from the door.

"Mr. Pace--"

"Get the bloody HELL outta the way! Charlie! Charlie-Boy, open the door, now! Charlie, you stupid fucker, OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Fuck off!" Charlie called to the door. He bent down, and violently sniffed in. Immediatly, Charlie knew that something was very, very wrong. His hand instantly shot up to the bridge of his nose, pressing hard as a painful burning sting overcame him, spreading first from his nose, and then rushing to his brain. It was only then that he noticed that his nose was gushing blood. "O-Oh--Oh god--" Shocked, Charlie let out a cry of pain as he tried to stand up, however, he stumbled. "L-Liam--"

"Lemme in, you sod--" Liam pushed past the manager, and frowned as he saw Charlie, blood pouring from his nose. "Oh fuck--Charlie!" Liam rushed to Charlie, sliding down to his knees. "Karen, call the medics!"

Through a semi concious cloud, Charlie heard his brother's voice and his hands on his face. "C'mon, baby brother, look at me. CHARLIE." Liam screamed, slapping Charlie's face to try to make him open his eyes. "Fucking LOOK at me! Charlie?! CHARLIE!"

The next thing Charlie remembered was waking up in the hospital room that he was currently in. He lifted his wrists as much as he could; the straps prevented much of his movement.

He looked towards the window, and his eyes widened slightly as he saw the figure of his brother, curled up in the oddest position. Charlie always remembered that Liam slept in ways that would seriously hurt normal people. His brows narrowed as he wished he could bring his hands up to press them against his eyes. His brother shifted, and Charlie felt tears slipping from his eyes.

Liam's eyes opened, and Charlie took in a breath, looking away from his brother. He tried to curl up as much as he could, but the straps made it impossible.

"You shouldn't be here."

The words were soft, almost fearful, and he tossed himself around, his voice rising. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE!"

The words ended in a sob, until a stabbing pain shot through Charlie's stomach, making him wrench into himself in pain.

"Liam..." he groaned out sadly, knowing that the future...the future would be so much more painful than the last two days. "Let me go. Let me go home, I want to go--I want to go home, Liam."

[Liam Pace]

Oh how the past little while had been bloody hell. Charlie seemed to be a rollercoaster these days, he seemed so hopless… So doomed. As Liam looked back on his life, he couldn’t help but feel the guilt as he turned his brother this way. When DriveShaft got out of control, Heroin seemed to be a quick fix, and- His thoughts stopped not wanting to think of the pleasure that pulsed through his body when he used to do it. Liam shifted on the stiff hospital chair. He’d been trying to get to sleep for hours but instead found it was impossible. How many times had he tried to make Charlie quit? How many times had Charlie lied to him about quitting? Liam sighed lightly, his hand pressing against his closed eyes. Goddamit baby brother.. Do it for us… Do it for you... He thought.

Liam thought it was a sign from God that the plane Charlie was supposed to board a few months ago crashed, and he just happened to be so bloody high out of his mind they canceled him. Liam remembered the phone call clear as day in his head. Charlie was talking fast, slurring his words, it was terrible. He was so angry at those people… For saving his life, sure he didn’t know it at the moment, but that didn’t matter. When he heard the flight went down Liam took that as God saying “Charlie, boy, this is your last chance. You were meant to beat this, and not die a heroin addict.” Alright, so those weren’t the exact words God used in Liam’s head, but it was the point of the matter. One thing Liam never wanted to do was explain to Megan how her uncle Charlie died, because at this rate, it’d be heroin, any time soon.

Fuck this. Liam thought angrily as his eyes flew open, already locked on Charlie-Who just moved. “Baby brother!” Liam said as happily as he could of possibly mustered as he found himself on his feet. It wasn’t for long that the happiness would stay as Charlie questioned why he was here. A look of confusion arched across Liam’s face as he watched him. “What’d you mean I-“ YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE! Sighing deeply Liam looked down as his hands raced through his hair, frustration and partial anger clouding over his mind. “Charlie… C’mon.” He couldn’t blame Charlie for being like this.. He no doubt was going threw with drawl right now.. And if anyone knew how bad that could be… It was Liam.

“Baby brother-“ Liam began his tone softening as he pulled the stiff chair over to Charlie’s bed side. “I can’t letcha do that. You fucked yourself up bad, Charlie…” Shutting his eyes for a moment he blocked the images of the night he found Charlie out of his mind. “Listen, Charlie, you gotta stop this.. Now.. You almost died.” Liam watched the tears fall from Charlie’s eyes and it hurt his heart worse then anything. “You gotta stop.”

[Charlie Pace]

His voice. It was so soft, so caring that in the back of Charlie's mind, he knew that he had hurt him. He had never wanted to hurt his brother, ever. He may have hated Liam more times than not, but he was still his big brother. Nothing in the world would change that.

A wave of sickness passed over his body, and Charlie broke out into a cold sweat. You gotta stop...

"Liam." Charlie's voice was pleading as he opened his eyes, looking at his older brother for the first time since he had woken up. "L-Liam, please--" Charlie begged, stretching against the restraints. "I'm your brother, please. Please." The tears were coming harder, spilling down his temple. "Just one more. I just need one more hit a-and--and I swear! I swear, it's over. I'm done! I--I had tried to stop, I swear on Megan's life, I had tried to stop but...but I couldn't, Liam."

He clenched his eyes shut as his head pounded, and he gritted his teeth before he opened his eyes once more. "Just tell them to give me SOMETHING! My head feels like it's gonna split in FUCKING TWO. Don't those bastards know that?!" he said loudly, his voice choked with tears. "God dammit!"

He slumped back against the bed, shaky sobs overtaking him as he listened to Liam say he had to stop. "I can't stop," Charlie said through his tears, sniffing in though as he did, it burned violently and he coughed, tasting blood in the back of his mouth. "I can't. It's going to kill me, Liam. I can feel it already; it's tearing me apart and it's only been--" Charlie realised that he didn't even know how long it had been. He closed his eyes again. "God, it hurts, Liam. So fucking much."

The pain was already unbareable, and yet, Charlie knew that he wasn't even at the ocean, let alone the iceburg. He looked down at his wrists, a deep frown spreading on his face. "Liam, take these off. I can't have these on; please. Just take them off."

[Liam Pace]

There wasn’t anything that Liam could possibly say to Charlie to make him see through clear eyes. The mind of a heroin addict was surprisingly a very complicated thing, but it did mostly revolve around getting another fix. Charlie’s begging echoed in his mind, he would do anything to make him feel better, but he wasn’t going to get him another fix… No he wasn’t going to give into this, and Charlie would beat it. If he did, Charlie had to. Liam’s eyes traveled over Charlie as he sat down, it killed him to see him struggling in the restraints. “ Charlie.. No more hits. It’s over. Baby brother, you almost died.. You were bangin’ at death’s door and thankfully he was busy getting head.” Liam tried to force some sort of smile or grin or something onto his face that would. Despite his words, his heart only broke further watching tears spill down.

Charlie never cried.. never, and yet, here he was laying in front of Liam, so weak, so brain washed, so only wanting another fix no matter the price. “DO NOT.” Liam said, his eyes widening at Charlie’s words. “Charles Edward Pace, don’t you EVER swear on her life.” His blood slowly boiled. Despite how Liam knew he meant good, something like that just rubbed him the wrong way, especially because he believed in things like that. “You need to detox. They can’t give you anything right now.” His tone was stiff. “Anything they even try to give you will only work in ranks with whatever the hell is still in your system.” Liam’s eyes closed as he pushed his head back against the stone hard chair.

“Baby brother, you need to stop, you’re going to fucking die, is it really all worth it? Do you want to throw that away, Charlie?!” how could he get this across to him, how In the bloody hell was this going to work. “Look..” He began, his tone softening as he looked back up to Charlie’s blurry eyes. “It’s going to be one fuck of a ride, I can assure you that, but it’s gotta be done.” Liam leaned forward placing his hand on Charlie’s head and ruffling his hair lightly, “I can’t take ‘em off Mate. Nurse nearly bit my head off when I tried to cover your crotch up, I think she likes yah.” Trying to joke in a time like this was his attempt at making Charlie smile, and hopefully take his mind off of the pain.

[Charlie Pace]

Charlie flinched as Liam yelled at him. Why HAD he sworn on Megan's life when he knew that he'd probably easily break his swear. He took a breath in, closing his eyes as he heard Liam explain that they couldn't and wouldn't give him anything. He needed to completly Detox. "God," he groaned, closing his eyes as he pressed the back of his head down on the pillow. "Methadone. I need fucking Methadone."

Charlie then realised what day it was, or what day it could be. He tried to still himself, stop his shaking, and yet, he couldn't. Liam's mention of the nurse made Charlie smile through his tears slightly. "Everyone loves a rockstar." he found himself saying almost in a whisper. "But no one loves a junkie. She doesn't like me, Liam. She pities me. Just like you pity me."

He felt himself swallow, and opened his eyes. "Can you get me some water? I can still taste the blood in the back of my throat."

As Liam moved to get the water, Charlie looked towards the closed door, feeling his stomach drop as tears welled in his eyes again. His voice was deadly serious. "Liam." he said evenly, though his voice threatened to waver. "Please tell me she didn't see me."

If Megan, sweet little Megan Grace saw her uncle on the floor, dying of a heroin overdoes...she was young, Charlie knew, however, young children remembered so much. And whenever he had seen her, telling her that Uncle Charlie was sick was getting old. He felt his eyes clench.

"Oh god...please let her not remember..."

[Liam Pace]

“You can’t have anything.” Liam said simply as he looked over Charlie, his eyes trailing the wires the were hooked into the plenty of machines that decorated his V.I.P hospital room. After all of the times his brother had told him he’d quit, gone clean… Liam hadn’t believed him once. And what may have seemed like a week with out a hit to Charlie was probably a day. Even though he didn’t want to admit it, his hope was low, but he wouldn’t give up.

“Charlie, people don’t see the junkie, and if they do, well they ain’t lookin’ hard enough baby brother.” The mushy shit wasn’t going to make him feel better. “Who cares what that crusty slag thinks! And no, I don’t pity you. I want you to get better because Megan is missing you.” With a little sigh, he hoped his words had convinced him. “I can.” Liam said as he got up and moved to the water cooler, filling up a styrofoam cup. He watched as it filled, and looked past it as it over flowed. “Shit.” He said, pulling it away quickly getting water on his shoes. His thoughts had taken over. Putting the cup in his other hand he shook the water off and gave it to Charlie carefully, not wanting to spill any water on him. “Here.” Liam said quietly as he pushed the button making the bed go up slightly so he could drink.

As he sat down in the hard chair he looked at his brother trying to think of the correct words to use. Reliving the night in his head was fucking hell. He’d never been so worried in his life, and when he thought Charlie was going to die in his arms- Liam’s eyes shut, tightly staying so until the moment past. Two crying Pace brothers wouldn’t happen. “She didn’t see you. I made sure of that. I have no idea how I would of explained that to her. One of the people outside , y’know since there was a crowd starting to gather-“ he said almost emotionless, “A nice lady with a little girl offered to watch her , I guess since she saw Megan panicing. I don’t know, I was with you. I haven’t seen them since then. I’ve been here. Megan opened her Christmas presents, and hopefully the excitement of Santa Claus has kept her mind off of thinking to hard.” Liam rested his elbow on the arm rest and his face in his palm.

“I told her on the cell the other night that we were in the north poll, that the ‘medics’ were code for elves and well, some huge story about how Santa needed us to help him deliver the toys since he couldn’t fit down the really small chimneys. She’s just super proud of us. Glad we were helpin’ out the big guy. She thinks were in the North Pole. Don’t worry baby brother… I got your back..” With a soft sigh Liam closed his eyes again. “Charlie, you need to stop.”

[Charlie Pace]

The water was cool on his lips and throat, so much so that Charlie closed his eyes in relief. As Liam spoke of what happened, Charlie pursed his lips for a moment, and then opened his eyes, tears welling up in them. "'Cause...'cause if she saw me like that, Liam, I don't--" he was cut off by his voice cracking, and he shook his head, staring at the far wall. "I don't know what I'd do." he whispered finally, looking from the wall to his brother. "That little girl is probably the closest thing I'll ever have to a kid of my own." Charlie knew he'd give the world and all the stars for Megan, but he couldn't do the simple task of quitting for her? Or for himself?

Charlie swallowed slightly, hearing that Megan opened her christmas presents. "I bought one for her. It's...it's in my room, um...by the bed. I saw a porcelin doll at one of the stores--it was one of the reasons why I didn't get a fix for three days. Bloody thing cost nearly 350." he paused, looking back at the wall. "It was worth it, though. I know when she sees it she'll love it."

Charlie felt the smallest of smiles cross his face as Liam spoke of the story he told his daughter. "You're so brilliant with her." he told Liam honestly, almost sadly. He wondered if he'd ever be that way with a child of his own. "When I get out of the hospital, I wanna see her. I just wanna sit with her for five minutes. O-Or when I get out of--" he lifted his wrists as much as he could. "I could just say I got a cold." Oh how he wished it was just a cold.

[Liam Pace]

Liam put his foot on the metal bar of Charlie’s bed as his eyes fell back onto his brother, The seemingly hopeless junkie. All he could really do was listen, he was doing this to himself, and if Megan had seen him, well, it’d be his fault. And if Megan did find out what her uncle Charlie was doing, again, she wouldn’t understand, and Liam would rather avoid that conversation, but it would have been Charlie’s fault. It wasn’t easy for Liam to drop it all, but he had to stop, and grow up. He needed to nip it in the butt before it turned around and did the same to him. Liam didn’t want to die, especially a cowards death…A junkie’s death.

“Don’t talk like that, Baby brother.” Liam told him shaking his head. “Y’jus need to stop it Charlie. I know it’s hard-“ He leaned forward his eyes burning into Charlie’s. “Believe me, I know it’s damn near fucking impossible, but y’know, it is possible, and yer gonna have to do it, because well, I ain’t havin’ a dead baby brother – GOT IT?” He finished off his statement sternly. “You –are- going to get clean baby brother, ‘an if yeh don’t , I’m gonna kick your ass. Just like when we were kids.” A playful grin slowly crept onto his tired, worn out features. He hadn’t slept in a long while. “Well, I’ll let you give it to her, since when you get out… I’m prêt-nere going to be with you 24-7 until you beat this. I’m going to be that annoying little pain in your ass. And, I’m sure she’ll love it, but you didn’t need to spend that much, but if you put it that way… you did the right thing.” He sacrificed three entire hits to get Megan a bloody glass doll? Well, at least his heart was in the right place, and that was the first step.

“Well, I had ta make something up to save our asses, didn’t I? Santa got us covered.” Liam winked and leaned back again, his arms cascading over the side of the chair and flopping down, “You’ll see her when we get out, your staying with us, and will be coming home with us when it’s time. Baby brother, I’m not lettin’ ya die, and that’s a promise.”

[Charlie Pace]

Charlie felt his eyes close as he listened to his brother speak. He was going to be staying with Karen and Megan and Liam after he got out of the hospital. A sigh escaped his lips for a moment, before he closed his eyes. "Merry sodding Christmas, big brother." Charlie said in almost a sigh.

His hands were still shaking, and his stomach clenched in pain once more. He let out a soft groan, but tried to stifle it as much as he could. His head was still splitting, and he squinted his eyes. "Can you turn off that light?" he asked painfully. He kept his eyes closed with a frown. "I didn't mean to do it, Liam." Charlie said honestly. "I didn't--it was bad, what I got. Sodding dealers mixin' shit to make a christmas snowball or whatever they called it. I wasn't thinkin' about what I usually do, I was just...jonesin'." Charlie let out a sigh. "I didn't expect you to come, either." he said to his brother. "I mean...you said you weren't gonna come, so..." he trailed off, seeing the room darken behind his closed eyes. He opened them slowly, thankful for the absence of the harsh lights.

[Liam Pace]

“Y’know it’s for your own good mate. You’re gonna be clean before you know it!” Liam smiled trying to add and excited tone to his words, his smile didn’t last for long as Charlie continued however, “C’mon Charlie, don’t be like that. Yah can’t be like that. It’s bloody Christmas.” So it wasn’t the day, but it was still the season and the mood was fresh in the air. Tacky “Ho Ho Ho’s” Hang from the receptionists desk as well as an incredibly ugly figurine of Santa Claus with a bunch of candies in his bag.

Liam with out saying anything got up and moved to the switch and flicked it down lazily. He stopped at the water despencer on the way back and filled himself up a cup, downing it in a few seconds, he hadn’t noticed his grasp before but as he took the cup out of his hand he could easily see where his hand had been imprinted on the cup. “I know baby brother, I know.” He did know how it was. Liam also knew how easy it was to over dose, and fuck up your life nearly beyond repair.

All he could do was listen, and think. His brother had almost died, his brother was now making the mistakes Liam had and Charlie was slowly going down the exact path he’d made. It was heart breaking. “I had a bad feeling mate.” Turned out.. It was right.

[Charlie Pace]

"I'm in a hospital on christmas." Charlie said almost snippishly, until he frowned, closing his eyes as he heard his brother say that he had a bad feeling.

A sigh escaped Charlie's lips as he wished that he wasn't in the hospital. "I want to go back to Manchester." He was tired of Los Angeles, tired of the scene and tired of the pain. He wanted to go back to England, go back to London and the rolling coasts and green fields. "I had a dream the other night...or maybe it was more like a hallucination, but...but I was sitting on the shore of a beach. Just watching the waves. It was so real that I could smell the ocean."

He had the dream often. There was a voice in his dream, however, it was liquid-y and distorted. He knew it had said his name, however, whenever he turned around, no one was there. "There's...there's always something that's bugging me though. Like I'm missing something, but I can't remember what it is."

Charlie took in a breath and opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling. He looked over at his brother. "Is it out in the papers, yet?"

[Liam Pace]

It wasn’t his fault that Charlie now found himself in the hospital on Christmas… Well, y’know, maybe it was. It was Liam’s fault that this had all happened to his baby brother. When DriveShaft came, and Driveshaft went, there always remained a trace behind of what had been. The heroin that now continued to plague Charlie’s life. Was Liam the reason Charlie had gotten to the junkie state of life he now found himself in? Most definitally it could be traced back to him, but it wasn’t like Liam hadn’t tried to set things right- to fix it all… He hated seeing Charlie so broken and dependant on something that would only drive him deep into his grave.

“Yeah, but baby brother, it’s a hell of a lot better then six feet below…” A small smile tried to spread across Liam’s tired face, but it failed and simply laid slack on his lips. “We’re all gonna be stayin’ in LA for a while, then eventually, we’re all goin’ back to Sydney, and that ‘cludes you too.” Liam looked down as he sat there idly picking at his cuticales trying his hardest to avoid the look of pain that spread across Charlie’s face. “That’s odd mate, but hey, picture it as a little vacation from this place?” Liam said almost unsure of himself as he looked up, his brow slightly higher then normal. “You’re missin’ out on life. But-“ he began, his tone rising excitedly, “That’s gonna change. I promise.”

Silence filled the air as Charlie looked on almost expecting the news to be all over the place. He knew the press too well. “Papers, Mags, sodding news. It’s all over. But really, what’d you expect.” The words even stung at him as they came out of his mouth. “But it don’t matter, Yer okay.” Liam smiled placing his hand on Charlie’s shoulder.

[Charlie Pace]

He wasn't even sure why he had asked. Charlie knew that probably every paper from LA to London had at least something about it. His eyes closed as Liam said the words. They cut him for a moment, deep and painful, and Charlie felt the burning sting of tears hit his eyes. "Liam," he told his brother, trying to cut off his words, but as he felt his brother's hand on his shoulder, he took in a breath, clenching his eyes shut as another wave of pain flew across every inch of his body. "Just--"

Charlie heard the door open, and his eyes widened slightly as he saw Karen's figure enter. His breath hitched up in his throat as he expected to see Megan trotting behind. However, she didn't appear.

"Karen--"

"Charlie." Karen's voice was almost relieved, however, Charlie could hear the deep sadness it held. "She's out in the hall with the Nurse." Karen explained without a moment's hesitation, and Charlie looked to his brother.

"Please. Please, just take these off and let me see her. I need to see her; I'll make up something as to why I'm in here, but please. Just let me see her for five minutes and then I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll quit cold and lock myself in a padded room if that's what you want. Please, Liam. Just do this one thing for me."

[claire littleton.]

Finished.