Unit Guides!

[Alice Chase]

I didn't come up with this. But I'll post them as they are written. If anyone wants the author link, I'll post it at the bottom.

I died laughing.

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The DHARMA Initiative

Presents

JACK: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a JACK unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to create an “incident,” do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to either destroying the space time continuum or creating four toed mutants.

Your JACK unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Full Name: Jack Shephard

AKA: Doc, The Sexy Surgeon, Amarillo Slim, Dr. Cry Me A River, Chico, Cool Hand, Cowboy, Daniel Boone, Dr. Do Right, Dr. Giggles, Dr. Quinn, The Hero, Hoss, Jackass, El Jacko, Metro, Sheriff, St. Jack.

note: most of these nicknames must be provided from the SAWYER unit before your JACK unit will respond to them.

Porn Name: We leave this option available to your wild imagination.

Manufacturer: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

Date of Production: Classified.

Age: 37

Height: 6 ' 2

Weight: 185-195 lbs? Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.

ACCESSORIES

Your JACK unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One SUITCASE OF ISLAND WARDROBE: Sleeveless t-shirts, faded jeans, wrinkled shirts, straw hats, etc.

note: No underwear included. This will either please you or disturb you. Either way, you must purchase boxers or briefs separate.

One VERY NICE BLACK SUIT WITH TIE

Five FIRST AID KITS

One HAND GUN

One EMPTY COFFIN

One TORCH

One FLYING KITE KIT

note: sorry, guys. badly dressed Asian woman with mystical tattoo artistry not included.

One DECK OF PLAYING CARDS

Three STICKS OF DYNAMITE

note: BE CAREFUL WITH THESE!! DHARMA Initiative is not liable or responsible if you blow your stupid ass to kingdom come. Also, if you encounter an ARZT unit: RUN AWAY!!

One MINIATURE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.

ACTIVATION

Your JACK unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure or your JACK unit will not function properly. Worst case scenario: He will wake up as an OTHER and kidnap your baby or someone else’s baby in the vicinity.

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Carry him out to your backyard. Or some place with plants or island landscape.

(3). Lay him out flat on the grass. And no groping, please! For goodness sake, there could be kids playing outside.

(4). Carefully open one of JACK’s eyes and stare at him until his body shudders to consciousness.

note: The shuddering is quite sexy. You may want to prolong it by closing eye then opening it again in quick motions.

If your JACK does not introduce himself as someone from CANADA then you have correctly followed the procedure.

Upon activation, your JACK unit may be compelled to fix some wound or bruise on you. He may even want to pick that nasty scab on your forearm. Let him do it. This is normal and part of his programming. JACK units will constantly desire to FIX or REPAIR.

MODES OF OPERATION

Your JACK unit has been designed for various modes of operation for your pleasure and use. You may require interaction with other units to unlock all modes with your JACK unit.

DEFAULT

DOCTOR: This your JACK unit’s sole purpose and function. He is a certified spinal surgeon but is able to perform general medical practice. REJOICE You will never need to pay those ridiculously criminal medical bills ever again.

LEADER: Your JACK unit may hesitant on assuming control of a “situation” but do not fear. He is a NATURAL LEADER. He exhumes a sort of shepherd like aura. It may be magical. Who knows? DHARMA Initiative is still investigating the phenomena. Anyway, how can anyone not look to him? He’s a hot doctor.

HERO: Cat stuck in a tree? Got a flat tire? Invisible smokey monster chasing you? Never fear! Your JACK unit is here! Never one to abandon a person in need, your JACK unit will jump at the chance to RESCUE you or any other person within a five mile radius.

CAUTION! Your Jack unit will not hesitate to give away all his blood or put himself in danger. The DHARMA Initiative will not reimbursed you if your JACK unit ends up killing himself through heroic endeavors. We suggest you purchase TRANQUILIZERS from our online store to prevent your unit from doing something CRAZY STUPID.

ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS

LOVER: Unfortunately, you JACK unit will not be apt for a tumble in your bedroom right from activation. He will want to establish a RELATIONSHIP. Even if you manage to get him in bed, you will have to put up with a long conversation afterwards about your day or work with a face of SUSPICION.

Yes, this is a difficult mode to fully develop. Your JACK unit was once married and now divorced by a wife who cheated on him. So your JACK unit is built to be SUSPICIOUS and PARANOID when it comes to emotional and physical intimacy.

Your best bet is to be your self. HONESTY and LOYALTY are required. But your JACK will also be FORGIVING even if you have committed murder.

Thus, the wait and effort is worth it in the long run. Your reward is MIND BLOWING SEX. However, if you are unable to develop this mode or do not have the patience then we suggest the SAWYER unit. The SAWYER unit comes with the default mode of MAN WHORE.

GOLFER: As a doctor, your unit is well experienced in this game. We have a full set of clubs and golf balls available at our online website. They are NOT included as an accessory!

PIANIST: Place your JACK unit at a piano and watch him hit those keys like a pro! Your unit will suitably accommodate any funeral gathering by playing haunting and melancholic melodies. Plus, he will play oldies like “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

POKER PLAYER: All you gotta do is give your JACK unit the deck of cards (which is an included accessory), present a challenge to his skills and something worthwhile to gamble and SHAZAAM!!

Your JACK unit will be kicking ass and taking names at poker nights with your friends, if you set those conditions.

SLASH: You believe there was some definite sparks flying between JACK and certain male characters. Now you can play out your particular slashy fantasy in the privacy of your own home. All it takes to unlock this mode is one minute of interaction with a BOONE unit or MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY.

SPECIAL

MIRACLE WORKER: If you initiate a few minutes of interaction with a DESMOND unit then sometimes (like less than ten percent chance) your JACK unit will gain the ability to perform a MEDICAL MIRACLE.

note: your JACK unit cannot cure cancer. You will need to purchase a BEN unit to do that.

MARTIAL ARTIST: For some odd reason, this crazy thing happens now and again. Basically, if you and your JACK unit play MORTAL KOMBAT while eating CHEETOS, your JACK unit gains the ability to perform badass martial arts for approximately 24 hours.

This mode is a mystery. We assume some video game obsessed tech geek must have tampered with certain software. Who knows?

CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE

Your JACK unit is relatively easy to keep in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1) Sponge bath (with bubbles) or Hot shower and scented body wash.

(2) Three meals a day. Your JACK unit loves some home cooking.

(3) Walk or jog. He needs to exercise to releases stress/tension.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FROM OUR CUSTOMERS

Q: I’ve been trying to get my JACK unit to grow a beard. But it won’t grow past that damn 3 o’clock shadow! Ugh! I want my sexy bearded JACK! Please, help!

A: You are referring to a FUTURE JACK unit. We have not produced any of those units yet. Due to constant demand, we are working on developing them. Until they are available why not purchase a BEARDED NATHAN PETRELLI from our partner distributor The Company, Inc. He should be similar enough until we have the FUTURE JACK units mass produced.

Q: Recently, my JACK unit is becoming distant and uninterested in me.

We were so happy together! How can I get the magic back?

A: Don’t feel too bad. This is a common problem among users. If your relationship becomes so complacent that there is nothing to FIX then your JACK unit loses interest. It is fairly easy to remedy. All you have to do is fake either the flu or perhaps a skin disease for a couple of days and your JACK unit will be all over you.

In extreme cases, you may also consider committing a CRIME. However, the DHARMA Initiative will not offer you any legal representation if you are convicted.

Q: I was giving my JACK a sponge bath when I noticed some missing “equipment.” This is a rip off! I was fully expecting to take advantage of the LOVER mode. How am I supposed to do that?!

A: It’s your fault since you did not read the fine print upon purchasing your JACK unit. Yes, he comes d--kless. You have to purchase Jack’s d--k in a box separately. Or you can use the second d--k that comes with your SAYID unit.

Q: My JACK unit did something really creepy today. It looked at me and said “Jacob loves you.” Who the hell is Jacob?

A: Oh my god! Your unit has been brainwashed by HOSTILES! Hide any pregnant women and children immediately! Then get the handgun and shoot any suspicious people especially if they say they’re from Canada!

Q: Hi, I’m from Canada. I’m tried of being shot at by you stupid people. I am not a HOSTILE.

A: We don’t believe you.

Q: My JACK unit keeps being stalked by KATE units. What can I do?

A: Buy a JULIET unit. She will beat them up for you.

ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342

I will post the Sawyer one next, followed by Sayid and Ben.

Author Link: www.fanfiction.net/u/3704/RoseOwl]Click!

[Alice Chase]

The DHARMA Initiative

Presents

SAWYER: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a SAWYER unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to cause a psychic kid to be kidnapped off a raft by HOSTILES do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to either creating a black hole or unleashing a horrible monster upon New York City.

Your SAWYER unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Full Name: James “Sawyer” Ford

AKA: The Island Whore, Redneck man, Hillbilly

Porn Name: Big plus whatever you would like to imagine.

Manufacturer: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

Date of Production: Classified.

Age: 35

Height: 6 ' 2

Weight: 185-195 lbs? Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.


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ACCESSORIES

Your SAWYER unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One SUITCASE OF ISLAND WARDROBE (such as buttonless t-shirts, faded jeans, wrinkled shirts, straw hat. Boxers or Briefs? Pfft. No such thing for the Sawyer unit)

One LETTER WRITTEN BY YOUNG SAWYER

One COPY OF “WATERSHIP DOWN”BY RICHARD ADAMS (additional novels may be purchased through our online store)

One PAIR OF READING GLASSES

One CASE OF DHARMA BEER

One TORCH

One MIX TAPE ( it's Phil Collins but you may order different tapes from our online store to suit your tastes)

One DECK OF PLAYING CARDS

One BOTTLE OF GOOD WINE

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.


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ACTIVATION

Your SAWYER unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure or your SAWYER unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may not ever give you one of his endearing trademark nicknames.

The SAWYER unit has three METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one.

METHOD ONE

(1). Carry your unit to your bathroom.

(2). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(3). Place him into shower or bath tub. (Please do not remove his clothes! We know the temptation will be astronomical but you must resist!!)

(4). Get him completely soaked. (Have a towel for yourself at ready. You’ll need it)

(5.) Wait a few minutes and when he starts mumbling make sure your face is the FIRST thing he sees.

If your SAWYER unit responds: I LOVE YOU then activation is a success. If he says anything else then you will need to get him even wetter. Either way it is a pleasing exhibition.

METHOD TWO

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Wave a can of beer in front of his face. You may also use a bottle of liquor.

Your SAWYER unit should immediately activate. Though this method is fairly simple it is not as much fun as the first method.

METHOD THREE

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Place a KATE unit in front of him.

(3). Play the MIX TAPE that comes with your unit.

Your SAWYER unit will activate and be immediately horny for your special purposes. However, this method carries the DANGER of your SAWYER unit becoming INFATUATED with your KATE unit. This method should only be used if you will not have any plans of long term romantic plans with your unit.

In fact, this method is so UNPOPULAR that the DHARMA Initiative is considering on permanently disabling it.

Upon activation, your SAWYER unit may be compelled to DRINK, FLIRT, F- - K, or CON the nearest person in the vicinity. He may even want to plan a scheme to swindle your dear Great Aunt. Let him do it. This is normal and part of his programming.

SAWYER units will constantly look for the ADVANTAGE of self gain and profit. He will also need to have STUFF or a STASH (this is discussed in more detail later in guide).


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MODES OF OPERATION

Your SAWYER unit has been designed for various modes of operation for your pleasure and use. You may require interaction with other units to unlock all modes with your SAWYER unit.

DEFAULT

CONFIDENCE MAN: Your SAWYER unit’s sole purpose and function. He is a well practiced swindler in hearts and money. Armed with a killer smile and body, he retains a NINETY-NINE PERCENT average of even conning the clothes off a woman or man. Guys, you will never have to worry about picking up women or paying for dates again. Ladies, you will never feel more appreciated or broke in his company.

CAUTION! Some of his activities may lead to criminal prosecution. We suggest you retain an attorney upon activation of your unit. DHARMA Initiative will not fall for any con to get his ass out of a prison term.

ANTI-HERO: Your SAWYER unit may be reluctant to jump in the water to save you from man eating sharks but he will do it. He may GRIPE or COMPLAIN doing heroic deeds but when it MATTERS your SAWYER unit will step up to the plate. Albeit, with more nicknames thrown in.

MAN WHORE: Your SAWYER unit has a very healthy sexual appetite. He will always be up for a quickie or morning/afternoon/night delight. He will always respond favorably to being “attacked” and having his clothes ripped off.

CAUTION! You should immediately set boundaries and limits to your SAWYER unit. You may exhibit continuous exhaustion if you let your unit always get some action.

ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS

LOVER: Your SAWYER unit is always up for a tumble in the bed. However, developing a relationship is another story and requires some effort on your part. To establish a genuine relationship beyond the steamy foreplay will require you to redefine your position/image with your unit.

Basically, your SAWYER unit must come to see you as more than an easy mark but as an EQUAL PARTNER. You must show in your actions to be as wily and aggressive as your unit in getting what you want.

There are various paths you can take to accomplish this feat. You may assist him in cons, humiliate your SAWYER unit with a long con, lock him in a BEAR CAGE, etc. You may visit our website for hints and advice on cons.

The SAWYER unit is not comfortable with the concept of PLANNING A FUTURE. He will be conflicted between giving you what you want and what he wants. He will also be tempted by monetary gains.

If you are looking for marriage or a faithful boyfriend, you may instead want to consider a JACK, SAYID or even a CHARLIE unit.

READER: When your SAWYER unit is not screwing or conning then he will certainly be READING. He is a big fan of the written word and has a wide taste ranging from magazines to Judy Blume. Any novels in your home will be quickly devoured. We strongly suggest you purchase more books through our online store.

GOLFER: Though not as experienced as a JACK unit, your unit is up to a few games if it happens to be your passion. We have a full set of clubs and golf balls available at our online website. They are NOT included as an accessory.

POKER PLAYER: All you got to do is give your SAWYER unit the deck of cards (which is an included accessory) and gather some players and your unit will be conning the lot of them. This mode is especially favorably for getting back at your stupid ex.

SLASH: You believe there was some definite sparks flying between SAWYER and certain male characters. Now you can play out your particular slashy fantasy in the privacy of your own home. All it takes to unlock this mode is one minute of interaction with ANY male unit. Except the WALT unit, of course.

WARNING! Do not attempt to initiate certain activities with any male or female underage unit. The SAWYER unit is NOT a child molester. We will not be responsible if your unit responds by shooting you in your private place if attempted.

SPECIAL

MODEL: If you submit your SAWYER unit to a marathon of America’s Top Model and apply make up to his face there is a thirty five percent chance it will activate this mode.

Your SAWYER unit is beautiful! Why not take advantage of that hotness? Be warned, if your SAWYER unit’s modeling career is quite successful it will attract a lot of media attention and fan boys/girls.

GAMBIT: Some rabid Gambit (X-men) fangirls messed with the software of some of the units to install this bonus mode. Basically, if you dye your unit’s hair red , hand him the DECK OF CARDS and instruct him to speak in third person for 24 hours this might occur: He will develop red eyes, a little more Southern character and the ability to charges objects which will explode.

Your SAWYER unit’s degree of hotness will also rise up a few levels. All in all, this is not a bad thing to happen.


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COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER UNITS

KATE unit: They go together like peanut butter and marmalade. They will eventually screw like bunnies which may be extremely uncomfortably for you if you have ROMANTIC intentions for your unit.

CAUTION! KATE unit may break SAWYER unit’s heart by maintaining romantic ATTACHMENT to JACK unit.

JACK unit: This unit is like the self righteous older brother to your SAWYER unit. Your SAWYER unit can’t stand the JACK unit but also can’t help but RESPECT him either. It is sort of a friendly rivalry. They will bicker with each other but they can also play games together in civilized fashion like ping pong and golf.

SAYID unit: They get off to a very bumpy start with this unit TORTURING your SAWYER unit. However, they will often have the same perspective on situations and will become amenable allies.

MICHAEL unit: They have a continuously bumpy relationship due to your unit’s deceptive reputation. But SAWYER unit secretly admires the protective drive the MICHAEL unit has for his son.

ANA LUCIA unit: Your SAWYER unit crashes and burns with this unit. They may get it on once but nothing will come of it. However, your SAWYER unit will have a fondness for this unit.


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CREATING A STASH

As mentioned earlier, your SAWYER unit needs to have STUFF or a STASH. It is relatively easy to accomplish this. Just follow the suggestions below and you will have a happy hoard for your SAWYER unit.

(1)Locate a good hiding spot. Being creative in choosing a good spot will go a long way in pleasing your SAWYER unit.

(2)Acquire the materials your SAWYER unit will enjoy such as: beer, meds, munchies, security blanket, mags, etc. Do not BUY the materials. You must swindle or take them from someone else. We suggest you invest in dumpster diving and conning your pals.

(3) Situate the materials in nest fashion in your chosen hiding spot. Your SAWYER unit will be satisfied if he immediately starts making trades with you or friends.


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CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE

Your SAWYER unit is relatively easy to keep in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1) Sponge bath (with bubbles) or hot shower with scented body wash. He also enjoys light cologne.

(2) Shampoo and condition hair. You may perform a perm every now and then.

(3) Fast food and beer. Plus, your unit loves him some grits.

(4) Sex. This is the method used by your unit to releases stress/tension.

(5) Weightlifting or boxing. He needs to maintain his y physique.


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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FROM OUR CUSTOMERS

Q: I was walking home with my unit when this man came out of nowhere and starting beating up on my SAWYER unit. I tried to find out why he would do this but he gave me no good reason other than his wife being killed?!

The stupid angry man keeps attacking every time we leave the house! I tried calling the cops but they ended up being shot to death ! What should I do?

A: You are referring to the aggravating HOSTILE unit known as DANNY PICKETT. This unit is fixated on SAWYER units. The Initiative does not know if it is repressed SEXUAL TENSION or what but he will keep doing it.

Borrow or purchase a JULIET unit and she will gun the bastard down.

Q: I want to marry my SAWYER unit but he looked at me like I was crazy for suggesting it. Help me, please!

A: Don’t feel too bad. Commitment scares con men. If you really want to marry your SAWYER unit, you will have to con him into it. Or purchase a lot of FISH BISCUITS.

Q: I was taking a shower with my SAWYER unit when I noticed a suspicious rash near his d--k. He can’t like contract stuff? Can he?

A: Yes, your SAWYER unit can catch and transmit sexual diseases. Did you not read the Health Hazard fine print? The DHARMA Initiative will not pay for your medical bills. It is up to you to use PROTECTION. If you do not have health insurance, you may consider borrowing someone’s JACK unit for aide.

Q: I tried activating the GAMBIT mode and it did not work! You lying bastards! I want my money back!

A: Sigh. You must a CRAZY GAMBIT fan. The DHARMA Initiative does not reimburse for something that is essentially a software defect that MAY or MAY NOT be present in your unit. If you don’t shut up, we will let loose the BLACK SMOKE MONSTER on your house. It will eat your dog and/or your younger sibling.

Q: Help! My SAWYER unit just shot some old big guy named Tom! Why did he do that?!

A: Duh. He was a HOSTILE.

Q: WHAT?! The guy said he was not hostile nor did he come from CANADA!

A: If your SAWYER unit does not believe him neither should you.


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ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342




Up next, Sayid!

[Alice Chase]

The DHARMA Initiative

Presents

SAYID: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

NAMASTE ! You are now the proud owner of a SAYID unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to watch poor Nadia being tortured, do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to violating human rights and experimenting on indigenous people of the Island, who either hit the jackpot with immortality or have their souls consumed by the Black Smoke Monster.

Your SAYID unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

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TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Full Name : Sayid Jarrah

AKA : Captain Badass, Genius, Our Resident Iraqi, Chief, Super Curl, A-Team, etc.

Porn Name : Secret Silent Screams

Manufacturer : DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

Date of Production : Classified.

Age : 37

Height : 6’0

Weight : Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.


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ACCESSORIES

Your SAYID unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One STANDARD ISLAND WARDROBE (bermuda shorts, straw hats, plenty of black wife beater tank tops, etc.)

One KNIFE

One HANDGUN

One SHOVEL (alternates as a tool or manly fashion accessory)

One RADIO

One WALKIE TALKIE

Two BAMBOO SHOOTS (optimal torture devices)

One PICTURE OF NADIA

One EXTRA D--K (see FAQ)

One SET OF COOKING UTENSILS

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.


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ACTIVATION

Your SAYID unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your SAYID unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may use those bamboo shoots on you. Brrr!

The SAYID unit has two METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one:

METHOD ONE

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor. Make sure he is in the eagle position. Note: Please refrain from laying on top of your unit! You will need to be at least one foot away from him.

(3). Take a full glass of water and splash it on his face. Note: Do not hose down his body! You’d be surprised how many customers do that and end up with a HOSTILE unit. Anyway, wait for five minutes.

(4). Your unit will gradually awaken and take in his surroundings. Then he will stand up slowly.

(5). His gaze will eventually catch yours once he is fully upright. This is the easy part. Do not look away! Stare into those deep, calm eyes.

(6) After a few minutes, your unit should acknowledge you with an introduction and you should introduce yourself also.

METHOD TWO

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Create a homemade bomb with timer (directions provided at our website).

(3). Drag your unit to an unoccupied room of your home. Tie your unit up with some sturdy rope.

(4). Leave everyday household items in room such as gum, hair pins or rubber bands. Then place bomb in room and start timer.

(5) Now start shouting like you are mortal danger (you are) and SAYID will instantly awake and MacGuyver you out of the situation.

Upon successful activation, your SAYID unit will be compelled to question you extensively. We know this may seem intrusive but once you get that out of the way your SAYID will be very comfortable with you.

As a former communications/intelligence officer for the Iraq Republican Guard, your SAYID unit is quite skilled and efficient. There will be no task too great for your unit.


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MODES OF OPERATION

DEFAULT

TORTURER : Communications and intelligence is simply a smokescreen to what your SAYID unit is really skilled in. He is a TORTURER. This is not a mere occupation for your unit. It has become a dirty stain on his soul that cannot be easily erased. Unfortunately, he is also damn good at this former employment. Your unit will struggle to overcome this horrible provocation to inflict PAIN for the greater good. If you want to remain on good terms with your SAYID unit then you should discourage and disapprove of any acts of torture. He may argue with you at first but he will be grateful you at the end of the day.

SOLDIER : As an Iraqi soldier, your SAYID unit was trained in various fields of strategy and battle. He has also been trained to operate and repair all kinds of TECHNOLOGY. Farewell, overpriced plumber! Hello, working pipes! In addition, this occupation has given him a very high level of commitment and degree of loyalty. Any job you hand your unit will be done in a timely fashion and with complete thoroughness. There is no lazy or procrastination in your unit’s vocabulary. He will always be doing something with his hands. If you’re good, you can make sure those hands are occupied with your body.

CAUTION! A downfall to the above two modes of your SAYID unit is that he will not accept any bullshit depending on your level of trust You may be able to pull one over him if he’s thinking with his heart instead of head. But, it is RARE. Therefore, we advise you not to LIE to your unit. Don’t think SAYID unit won’t torture you because you’re his owner.

The DHARMA INITIATIVE is not liable for any emotional or physical injuries you may retain from your SAYID unit. We suggest you have a good health insurance plan.

LEADER : Since your SAYID unit was employed as a soldier he has no problems following orders. However, he is not hesitant to take control of a situation if he feels things are out of control or his skills would get the job done with the most success. He is not a monarch in leadership. He will listen to any helpful advice and apply it to the situation if needed. His attitude of “cool in a crisis” will help to squash the hysterics of your flaky mother who constantly burns down the kitchen or if you happen to get trapped in a elevator.

ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS

LOVER : Your SAYID unit makes a wonderful boyfriend or even husband. Once in a serious relationship, his level of loyalty knows no bounds. Yes, he would assassinate someone if it would insure your safety. And he is more likely to torture you than CHEAT on you. To activate this mode all you have to do is ask him out on a date. Be blunt. You do not need to play hard to get. Your unit is an old ROMANTIC who enjoys long walks at sunset, picnics on the beach, enjoy bringing you bouquets of roses and will listen to you unlike your egotistical ex. He is, of course, quite skilled in bed but if you are excessively horny you might want a SAWYER unit instead.

NEGOTIATOR : So your hardass boss won’t give you the raise you deserve. Save that screaming match for getting time off! Instead, get your SAYID unit to talk him down. To activate this mode, simply place SAYID unit before your boss at his most grumpy and abusive mood. SAYID unit will begin negotiations immediately. His calm, debilitating manner and bargaining skills will win over the most hardass boss that ever walked. And if all else fails, your SAYID unit can demonstrate his new “breakdancing” routine on your boss’s body.

CHEF : Tired of nachos and bean dip? Throwing a party? Save some cash and use your SAYID unit to cater. He is an excellent cook. Enjoy your unit’s delicious spicy foreign dishes. Your parties will be the talk of the town. To activate, simply inform your unit that your cooking is horrible and guide him to the kitchen and presto! Yes, you will never go back to frozen TV dinners with SAYID around.

MECHANIC : You just brought back your car from a tune up and already something is clanking around and making a “not good” noise. Don’t drive back to the auto shop! Just pop the hood of your car and position your SAYID unit in front of your car. Tell your unit that you need to be able to drive your car but it is not working. Ask your SAYID unit if he can fix it. If you are successful, SAYID will say: GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES. Then all you gotta do is pull up a lawn chair and watch him work his magic.

SPECIAL

VIDEO GAME HERO : Some nerds at our software facility managed to put this bug in some of our models. Basically, SAYID has the ability to mimic the hero of the video game for at least ten minutes. How is that done? Simple. If you are playing an adventure video game with your SAYID unit and you mention how cool it would be if SAYID was the hero then BAM! He will be: Mario, Link, Cloud, etc. It is an impressive performance. Nothing is more hysterical then seeing SAYID hide under a cardboard box like SNAKE from Metal Gear Solid or watch him grow in size like SUPER MARIO.

CAUTION! If you employ this mode while playing SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL then your safety and home will be in DANGER. SAYID will flash through all of the characters under ten minutes. Your house will be SMASHED and possibly you in the process. If you must watch SAYID in SMASH attitude then do it outside.

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CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE

Your SAYID unit is relatively easy to keep in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1). Hot Shower. Sorry, no bubble baths for your SAYID unit. He enjoys a hot, steaming shower. No scented bath oils. He likes IVORY soap. SAYID unit will welcome a good back scrub.

(2) Food. Your SAYID unit will cook for himself. Just provide the food and oven.

(3). Hair Care. You will need to purchase extensive hair care products. SAYID unit likes to straighten his hair out every now and then.

(4). Exercise. SAYID unit will need to have the use of a gym. Simply jogging in the morning is not enough for your unit. We suggest you get a membership at the local gym.


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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q : Why does my SAYID unit come with an extra d--k?

A : It’s a necessary precaution. If your SAYID unit comes across the CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN unit then she will capture and torture him. Due to an unusual glitch, the CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN unit will end up castrating your poor SAYID unit. If you feel comfortable in protecting your unit from that then you can use the extra equipment for other purposes.

Q : Uh, you do know the CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN has a name right?

A : Of course, we do! But it’s more fun to write CRAZY FRENCH WOMAN.

Q : My SAYID unit believes without a shadow of a doubt that our next door neighbour is something he calls an Other. We’re supposed to discourage any torturing . . . right?

A : Not in this case. If your unit assumes someone is an OTHER then let him go on with the torture! An OTHER is a HOSTILE. Hostiles kidnap children and run around in shabby clothes. They also eat all the white meat! The horror!

Q : The SAYID unit would never torture animals would he? I’m kinda worried about my dog’s safety here.

A : No, he would not. I mean what kind of information could SAYID get from torturing your dog other than “bow wow” or “ruff ruff.”

Q : Is my SAYID unit CHUCK NORRIS in disguise?

A : Of course not, silly. CHUCK NORRIS is actually SAYID in disguise.

Q : Speaking of CHUCK NORRIS how about some SAYID facts?

A : Fine. Here are some SAYID facts:

–All the world’s a stage and it is SAYID who we must please with a performance.

–With great power comes great responsibility to thank SAYID for your measly existence.

—The Z fighters in Dragonball Z are not screaming to raise their power levels. It is actually the terrifying thought that SAYID will feel their rising power and come kick their butts.

—Reincarnation is SAYID’S second answer to those who challenge him after the first choice, which is oblivion.

—Santa put SAYID on the naughty list. There is no longer any Christmas on the Island.

--Where is Waldo? Hidden deep in SAYID’S wondrous curly mane.

—Someone in the ancient city of Atlantis claimed SAYID wet his bed. Atlantis is now a myth.

–SAYID will never time travel. His very existence is constant.

–The alien symbiote of Venom once latched on to SAYID. There is now only . . . SAYID.

–Poor Gorgamel never got to eat a Smurf because SAYID got to them first.

–MacGuyver was SAYID’s protege.

–The Land of Plenty is actually the nickname for SAYID’S body.

–The Twilight Zone is the primitive concept we mere mortals use to explain the evolved mind of SAYID.

–When the Planeteers combine their powers it is not Captain Planet they summon. It is SAYID in his shiny Earth Day suit.

–How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie pop? Only SAYID will ever know.


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ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342

[Alice Chase]

The DHARMA Initiative

Presents

BEN: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

NAMASTE ! You are now the proud owner of a BEN unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to be involved in a second PURGE do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to constructing a time machine over a frozen ancient donkey wheel and getting high on the special properties of the Island.


Your BEN unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

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TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Full Name : Benjamin Linus

AKA : Henry, Benry, Bug Eyed Bastard, Mr. Linus, Boy, Lord Megatron (??), etc.

Porn Name : The Master

Manufacturer : DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

Date of Production : Classified.

Age : Only Jacob knows.

Height : Tall enough to kick ass, short enough to, uh, well, kick more ass!

Weight : Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.


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ACCESSORIES

Your BEN unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One STANDARD OTHERS/HOSTILE WARDROBE (dirty drawers, fake beards, suburban casual wear, etc.)

One PAIR OF READING GLASSES

One DIARY

One TELESCOPIC BATON (also functions as an adult toy)

One WOODEN HAND CARVED DOLL (not an adult toy)

Two NUMBERED BUNNIES (do not eat)

One WALKIE TALKIE

One BLACK SMOKE MONSTER (caution: level of control varies. may rip out guts if provoked)

One DHARMA PARKA

One SET OF COOKING UTENSILS


Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.


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ACTIVATION

Your BEN unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your BEN unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may use his lethal weapon on you. No not the one on him. Minds out of the gutter!

The BEN unit has two METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one:


METHOD ONE:

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor.

(3). Sit down near his feet and wait three to five minutes. Do no sit on top of BEN unit or attempt to tickle his feet! BEN unit may kill you for that. Seriously!

(4). Your unit will gradually awaken and take in his surroundings. Then he will stare at you. Now this will be creepy especially with those horrible eyes of his!

(5). Your unit will get up and possibly evaluate the rest of your house while ignoring you. Do not make any attempts to leave your spot! Wait till the unit returns.

(6) After at least fifteen to twenty minutes, your unit will return and say “Hello, my name is Benjamin Linus. I was born in this neighborhood and lived here all my life.”

(7) Yes, the unit is a lying bastard. But do not question him at this point! Acknowledge with your own greeting and activation will be complete.


METHOD TWO:

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Place him in a chair and tie him up his hands and feet.

(3). Slap your unit two to three times and yell at him: “Who are you really?! You are not “fill in the blank random person’s name”! You’re one of them!”

(4). The BEN unit will automatically awake and claim to be with strong resolution whatever random name you chose.

(5) After a few hours of stern interrogation and torture (tickling, spanking) your unit will send you on some silly quest to prove his “identity.” Just step outside for five minutes and have a smoke or something then go back inside.

(6) The BEN unit will then admit subtly to being one of them and state that he has come for you because you are SPECIAL. Provide skepticism but trust and activation should be complete.

Upon successful activation, your BEN unit will be compelled to lie and manipulate you into various activities. We know this may seem horribly deceitful and rude but remember: Your unit is doing it with the best intentions and is one of the good guys!


As the former leader of the mysterious OTHERS, your BEN unit is quite skilled and efficient. There will be no lie too great and no plan more genius than what your BEN unit will create.


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MODES OF OPERATION

DEFAULT

MANIPULATER : After 24 hours in your residence, your BEN unit will have gathered all the intelligence on you to use at his discretion to get whatever he wants and whatever he needs. He will have gathered the information needed for him to EXPLOIT and MANIPULATE you. There is no way to prevent this intrusion on your privacy. You may put out some false information but an afternoon spent with a family member such as your mother (shut up, mom!) and he’ll have your most embarrassing moments catalogued for emergency backup. Don’t waste time being outraged or pulling JACKFACES. Calm down! So, he’s making LISTS and finding out about your extramarital affairs. It could be worse. Freaking out will not change what he knows. You need to pay attention and learn to listen carefully to your BEN unit instead. You have to learn to dig through his bullshit and find the kernels of TRUTH in it. There is a method and goal to his manipulation. Learn to anticipate his needs and understand his goals so you won’t find yourself shooting your closet friends.

LEADER : Your BEN unit is to put it mildly: kind of a control freak. He likes to stay two, okay , ten steps ahead of the pack. He is happy to lead people in sheep like fashion. And does not like to be questioned by his sheep either. His is a GOOD leader when calm and rational. Sometimes bad emotional responses may conflict with sound command decisions though. In addition, his methods may be brutal and unforgiving at times. He will also not hesitate to SACRIFICE a member of the herd for the greater good. You do not want to be that sacrificial lamb. That’s equivalent to being a REDSHIRT. And we all know what happens to all redshirts eventually. You should position yourself as a capable ally of your unit. Prove to be trustworthy (even when your unit is not) and provide advice when asked.

FATHER : You have read correctly, owner. As the saying, “father knows best” goes, your BEN unit believes he ALWAYS knows best. He is quite the devoted father as he takes many pictures and videos of your proudest moments and embarrassing ones also. Vacations and birthday parties are no problem for your BEN unit and will be spectacular. Unfortunately, he will also assign strict curfews, inflict corporal punishment, manipulate the death of your potential love interests, and make you eat lots of asparagus. Yes, teeny boppers he would even indirectly kill ZAC EFRON should he in some alternate universe ask you out.

ATTENTION! If you wish to prohibit this default mode then you need activate the LOVER mode or get the prohibition code from our website.


ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS

LOVER : This mode is perhaps more aptly titled as possessor. Your BEN unit is similar to the mythical dragon and it’s treasure hoard. You are most definitely HIS to covet and not anyone else’s treasure. You do not really need to do much to activate this mode. The BEN unit will initiate LOVER mode most accordingly with the usual displays of romantic intent. His courtship will involve showering you with attention and nice gifts, stalking you and generally invading your personal space with every opportunity. If you are looking for lots of steamy sex then you’ll be sorely disappointed. BEN unit likes to have PLANNED sessions of intercourse. And not more than twice a week. If this is not to your liking invest in a SAYID or SAWYER unit. Now, if your BEN unit does have intercourse with you more than twice a week than that it is probably a method of manipulation on his part.

Be CAREFUL! If you engage this mode and become Ben’s PRECIOUS you must be prepared for the troubles that may come with it. For example, there will be no ex-girlfriends/boyfriend pictures out in the living room for “sentimental” reasons. If you foolishly commit adultery do not be surprised to find your lover dead in a matter of weeks if you continue to pursue the relationship.

FIGHTER : Do not be fooled by his calculating suburban mask of cocktail parties and book reading. Your BEN unit poses just as much a physical threat as well as mental threat. Burglar in the home? Little sister “borrowing” your things again? Not to worry. Simply hand him his telescopic baton weapon in a dire situation, sit back with a beer and watch him kick ass.

COOK : He slices and he dices! The BEN unit will whip up the most scrumptious home cooked meals that you may never return to fast food. He is also quite the connoisseur of good wine. Just be careful that you don’t end up a contestant on the BIGGEST LOSER with this mode.

PIANIST : If you happen to own a working piano, you’ll be pleased to know that you won’t have to pay any money for a piano teacher in the future. Your BEN unit will most adequately teach you the basics and get you playing the classics in a matter of weeks. He makes great entertainment for your parties also. Just be careful not let him consume any alcohol during party time as that leads to a nude unit doing headstands.

BOOK CLUB MEMBER : While not as voracious a reader as the SAWYER unit, your unit does appreciate a good read every now and then. Sign him up for a book club by mail so he can receive the hottest bestsellers every month. Or you can start a book club in your home. Of course, BEN unit must approve the book selection for every club meeting.

SLASH : See FAQ for info.


SPECIAL

INDIANA JONES : Thanks to his unique position as the chosen leader of the OTHERS, the BEN unit is highly skilled in all manner of arts. Some INDY fans took advantage of these skills when they hacked (illegally) into our programs. Thus, if you provide your BEN unit with a dusty fedora and whip, he’ll become the famous adventuring archaeologist himself!


BEWARE! If any holy relics are brought home by your BEN unit there is a high possibility of serious ramifications from curses on these objects. The DHARMA INITIATIVE is not responsible for any plagues, skeletal remains or walking undead these relics may yield.

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CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE

Your BEN unit requires extra effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1). Daily Involved Grooming. It is not enough for your BEN unit to take a bath or hot shower. He will require his nails clipped and polished, nose hairs trimmed, facial cream applied, etc. Yes, he is very metrosexual. You will need to refer to the GROOMING GUIDE included for more details.

(2) Food. Your BEN unit will cook for himself. However, he will also expect you to assist in making meals. Helping to make bread or dessert will please him. We suggest you dust off your cookbook.

(3). Hair Care. Lots of gel. Expensive shampoo and conditioner. See GROOMING GUIDE for more detail.

(4). Exercise. Your BEN unit enjoys long walks around the block and that’s basically it. No need for gym memberships or exercise equipment.


(5). Sex. Only if Jacob allows it.


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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q : I just wanted to say how much I love my BEN unit. I also love how much interest he shows in chemistry which is my favorite subject! Does the Ben unit harbor dreams of being a scientist?

A : Whoa. You are in mortal danger, brotha! Did you piss off your unit recently or something? There is no SCIENTIST mode on your unit. Your BEN unit is fixing to PURGE you and family. Not the bulimic way but the lethal gas way! Unfortunately, there is no deterring him from this bloody path. Invest in gas masks, pronto!

Q : Can BEN unit sky dive?

A : Duh. Of course, he can. BEN unit can do anything with a good lie and plan. Except , save his daughter from a bloodthirsty mercenary. And kill Chuck Norris (who is actually SAYID unit).

Q : I need help! A MIKHAIL unit keeps following my BEN unit all the time. I’ve tried to stop it over and over! Electric shocks, fireballs, lethal injections! Gosh, nothing works. Got any suggestions?

A : Damn, you are a sadist . How many deaths have you subjected that poor MIKHAIL unit through? Simply have your BEN unit order him to hole up somewhere faraway to prove his loyalty. Geez.

Q: I want to have kids with my BEN unit. Is that possible?

A : I’m sorry but no. The BEN unit is not able to procreate. Don’t be too depressed. I’m sure your BEN unit could come up with a plan to kidnap someone else’s kids.

Q : I think I messed up my activation. The only name my unit will respond to is Benry. I’ve tried but I can’t fix it!

A : Ugh . That horrible nickname! We feel your pain. But there is a quick and easy way to fix it. Inform your unit that the name Benry is an abomination to Jacob. He will instantly only respond to Ben.

Q : So I was walking the BLACK SMOKE MONSTER when I accidentally inhaled some of it’s smoke. Is that gonna hurt me?

A : How did you accidentally inhale? Were you sniffing its butt or something? I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you will be affected. Every time you now cough there will be a hideous roar from your lips and you will shake any trees in the area. Alert friends, family and neighbors to your condition. Or else they may mistake you for Cloverfield or something.

Q : So BEN unit does have a slash mode, right? Who can I slash BEN unit with to activate it?

A : ANNIE. Yes, you read right. We have revealed the GREAT SECRET to you. Annie is a dude.

Q : NO WAY! Annie is not a guy! She is “fill in the blank with any woman that has appeared on LOST” of course!


A : I am sure you believe that Annie is “fill in the blank with any woman that has appeared on LOST.” But, you are wrong. A person has to take extreme measures to escape the possessive clutches of BEN.


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ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815


NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342